I'll Follow You
by filesfreak4life
Summary: My Entry for the Summer 2014 Ficathon... A post ep for 6X23. How do you move on when the person you were meant to share the rest of your life with is gone? An angst-filled Caskett fic that proves that love lives on in many ways, and those that leave us are still with us every step of the way when we need them.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Okay, so… this is going to be a very angsty fanfic, so I'm putting that out there now. Consider this my entry into the Summer 2014 Ficathon.**

**I recently lost someone very close to me… and I don't tell you that to get you to read or anything like that, but this fic is really about the process of losing someone. However, at the same time, it is going to have that Caskett element in an unusual way. I hope that you enjoy it. If you do choose to read, review if you would like… but please don't be harsh in your comments. Some people come to this site and just read and that's cool, but understand that the writers have feelings. I have recently received some reviews in another fandom that were very rude because of a character death and saying that it was drama for drama's sake…. Here's the deal… character death is something that drives others towards emotions and actions that wouldn't happen without the traumatic event… so I'm not doing it to just kill someone off… it's to explore a different side of something or someone else….**

**Anyways, rant over… and enjoy!**

It's just a day before they knew for sure that Castle wasn't in the car. The heat of the fire was too great for them to find anything without a forensics team present, so they waited. A day of pins and needles that Kate didn't ever want to repeat. She knew though… she had this feeling that he wasn't gone… he couldn't be gone when she had this tremble in her gut that told her to keep looking.

When they get the news, they are standing in the kitchen of the house in the Hamptons, Kate's phone on speaker. He wasn't in the car… Strangely, it doesn't make her feel much better than she did yesterday.

Yesterday, she stood before the burning car that once belonged to her fiancé. She felt the heat from the flames as she realized that she might not get the ending they so desired.

Today, they found out that he's out there somewhere… Someone caused this… She instantly flips that switch inside her, causing her to switch into detective mode.

Now they search.

"Alexis… I'll find him… you know that. I know that he's still out there and I… I need him back… I'll find him." She says to the scared girl who had heard the results along with Kate and her Grandmother.

"Go… go find him, Katherine." Martha says, placing her hand on Alexis' shoulder and watching as Kate turns back towards the task at hand.

"Kate, wait!" Alexis says, running toward the older woman and wrapping her arms around her, "I need him too… and I… Just find him, Kate… please…"

Kate pulls back to look into the eyes of the younger Castle and places a kiss on the crown of her head before walking away.

"Katherine?"

"Yes?" she turns back, as Martha steps toward her.

"You find him, but you take care of yourself. You are no good to Richard if you don't sleep and eat… he used to tell me about all those times that cases got rough… and I think that he would hate me if I didn't say that you need to make sure to take care of you."

Kate smiles at the older woman's concern, knowing that Castle would have done the same, knowing how this case would consume her even more than others had in the past. "Martha, I'll be fine."

* * *

She wasn't fine… she was exhausted and she ached all over from fatigue. Her body was giving up on her long before her mind was ready to give in for another evening.

The only evidence they had was the black paint of a 2013 model SUV rubbed off on the left side of the vehicle. It was enough that told them he was encouraged but not forced off the road. It wasn't what made the car plummet into the ditch and catch on fire, which leads them all to believe it was planted there. A common accelerant was used to set the car afire… something that was so common that it was virtually untraceable back to who did this. Whoever did this knew who he was doing it to, they knew that the crash would be investigated, and they didn't care.

It's almost a week later, no leads to direct them beyond a few shreds of evidence and all of their theories weren't panning out the way they anticipated… Kate smiles at that thought for a moment realizing that the reason why their theories weren't panning out was because Castle himself wasn't spouting them. The same thought then causes her to have a moment… interrupted by phone vibrating on her desk.

"Kate, you need to come home. You need to sleep and maybe eat something for a change." She hears after accepting the call and bringing the phone to her ear.

"Alexis, I can't leave…"

"Kate…. I just… I get it. I get what you're doing and I am all for you searching for dad… but Gram isn't doing too well right now and I…. Kate, I need you."

When she hears that broken voice on the phone she knows that Castle would want her to go there… to comfort Alexis. In the few conversations she had with the younger woman, she had found that Martha had taken a turn for the worse once they got back home. She wouldn't talk to Alexis and was spending the majority of her time locked up in the room she occupied on a regular basis, coming down for a new bottle of wine every afternoon and evening. She simply hadn't taken the same advice she had given her about letting everything consume her. It was her child, and Kate understood that, but she also knew that they needed to get Martha out of this before it was too late. She had been through this with her father after her mom died… she knew how bad it could get.

Kate once again stared at the papers that have been in front of her all week. She had looked at them every which way she could with no different results. The guys are doing everything they can, and there really was nowhere to go with what they had. It wasn't helping anyone for her to be here right now anyways… she was exhausted, felt something coming on, and knew that her brain hadn't had a chance to catch up with what her heart was feeling in the chaos of everything.

"I'll be right there." She finally says, letting out a sigh and resting her head in her hand on her desk.

"Good, I'll have something ready to eat when you get here."

With that, she hangs up and sits for a moment. She wipes at her eyes, trying to muster up the energy to stand up and make way to the elevator. Espo is the first to approach her.

"Did I hear you say you were going home?"

"Alexis called… Martha isn't doing too well, and she needs someone there."

"And you haven't been sleeping well or eating much more than a few bites of takeout here or there." She hears the accusing tone of Ryan behind her. "Castle would be mad at us for not taking care of you, and he'd be mad at you for not taking care of yourself. We'll keep searching for something else, we'll keep looking."

"I know… guys, I'm going." She says, with more irritation than the reply deserved.

They watch her with concerned faces.

"We've got to talk to her about this…" Ryan says, watching her walk over to the elevator.

"Why did you even bring him up?" Espo says, annoyed at his partner.

"I brought him up because it seems like he's always been a part of this. And you know that was a good way to guilt her into going home to rest."

Espo thinks for a moment, "We aren't going to find him any time soon. We need to be honest with her."

"I can't do it." Ryan says with a few shakes of his head.

"Oh, I see, You don't want to be the one to tell her that we are done examining all leads to 3XK, any of Simmons' people, and Bracken? You don't want to tell her we have nothing more to go on? We need to tell her!" Espo replies in an accusing tone.

"Javi… she knows."

"Yeah, she knows, but she's still showing up… hell she isn't leaving… Something's gotta give, bro. We've gotta find something."

If they were being honest, the more they searched, the more they were realizing that they might not find him at all. Even worse, they were worried about what would happen if he was found.

* * *

"Hey." She calls out, entering the loft and putting her bag down.

"Kate…" Alexis says, turning from her spot in the kitchen and moving to wrap her arms around the older woman.

The gesture was a welcome distraction from walking into the loft and realizing that Castle wasn't there… again. She had only been to the loft once since the Hamptons. She couldn't do it… couldn't see everything that reminded her of him… couldn't think about the number of times they had walked through that door together.

"I'm sorry, Alexis… I'm so sorry… I just…" Kate says, pulling her tighter against her and running a hand through the girl's hair.

"No…. I get it. I'm sorry that I'm taking you away from it, but I just can't do this alone anymore." She says, pulling back with tears in her eyes.

"How's Martha?"

"I don't even know. She's eating because I've been bringing trays up for her when I eat and they come back somewhat empty. I've taken to staying in my room as much as she is just so I can avoid the fact that I'm here basically by myself."

"Alexis… I'm sorry… God your dad would be so mad at the way I haven't been here for you…and letting Martha…"

"Kate, you're trying to find him, and you know that if this was a big case, dad would be down there with you until all hours… usually bringing you food and forcing you to sleep. That's how it was after your shooting… he was there constantly…wouldn't come home for anything." Alexis says, not letting Kate blame herself for this.

That nearly breaks her, but she allows herself to recover quickly. Kate looks into her eyes, seeing the fear and the tiredness that must match her own before replying, "Food and sleep sound good to me right now."

"Food is ready and the bed is already turned down." Alexis says with a smile, which Kate interprets as Alexis' coping mechanism. She does for others and with Martha being MIA, getting to help Kate helps her.

They eat quietly, Kate not realizing just how hungry she was until she sat down at the small pasta dinner the younger Castle made.

"Thank you, Alexis."

"No problem. You know, you should probably take a shower or something before you hit the bed."

"Is that your nice way of telling me I smell?" she replies, quirking an eyebrow much in the same way she would have done to the girl's father.

"Maybe."

"Noted. I took a shower a few days ago at the precinct, but… I don't know how productive that was."

When Alexis stands to clear the island, Kate dismisses her with a hand, not wanting the girl to have to clean up after she had spent the time in the kitchen cooking. She puts everything into the dishwasher, with Alexis sitting at the kitchen counter observing the quiet motions, and then makes her way to the bedroom and bath with a smile in her direction.

This had been their normal the past few months. Since Alexis had moved home, the two women had become closer. They shared meals together with or without Castle and prided themselves on the occasional gang-up on the only male in the house. It was a new normal that Kate had embraced and fully looked forward to for the rest of her life… what she thought was going to be the rest of her life.

When she got into the bathroom, she remembered how disorganized it had gotten. Everything had been packed away for the most part, still ready for their honeymoon. She dug into the toiletries bag and pulled out everything she could get her hands on, settling her eyes on the body wash Castle used.

Popping the cap, she inhaled the scent of him all at once, and allowed the tears to form in the corners of her eyes. She had been having these small moments every now and then… missing him, but knowing somehow that he was out there somewhere, thinking of her and getting back to this future that they dreamt up.

Starting the shower, she let the tears fall freely as she washed off the grime of the week at the precinct without a proper shower and tried to wash away the fear she had in her gut. She let the scent of the body wash engulf her and remind her of better times. The water started to grow cold because of the scalding temperature she required in the moment, so she decided that it was time to escape the safety of a place she could cry in peace.

When she got out and made her way to the bedroom, she found pajamas already laid out for her on the bed. One of Castle's t-shirts and a pair of her yoga pants. Alexis. That girl was more like her father than even she knew.

Climbing into the large bed they shared, she scooted herself over to his side, allowing herself the comfort of taking a deep breath with her face buried in his pillow. It calmed her and upset her all at the same time, until she heard the hesitant knock at the bedroom door.

"Kate?"

"Come in, Alexis." She says, sitting up on his side of the bed and wiping the tears she hadn't realized she shed from her face, not wanting Alexis to see her upset.

"I… I know that you and I… that we…umm… I know that we don't…." Alexis starts, standing at the door fidgeting her fingers and wondering how much the older woman was going to let her in.

"Alexis, come here."

There is a momentary flicker of surprise that crosses the young girl's face before she walks into the open arms of the woman that would have been her stepmother already had the fates not intervened. They were so much closer now than they had been at the first part of their engagement, but this was new. This was needed…

"I want him back." She says, after a moment in the comfort of Kate's embrace.

"I do too."

They both allow themselves the luxury of being in the presence of someone who understood what it meant to love Richard Castle in an all-consuming way. When their bodies had finally given up the fight to stay awake with their thoughts, they both fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

_She feels his arms squeeze her some more, and snuggles further into him for another moment._

"_Kate."_

"_Castle, I'm trying to sleep here."_

"_I know, but I have to tell you something."_

_She turns to face him then, allowing her eyes to open to slits._

"_What?"_

"_I love you."_

_She can't help the silly grin that comes over her face at the simple declaration._

"_I know."_

"_Yeah, but you really need to understand it now." He says, stroking her cheek softly, which causes the confusion to furrow her brow._

"_Castle, do you intend to ever stop telling me you love me?"_

"_Never."_

"_Okay…."_

"_You just need to always remember that I love you…"_

"_I love you too."_

_He takes a deep breath after her declaration, almost letting the words penetrate through him in that moment, "That was one of my greatest gifts, you know?"_

"_Me loving you is one of your greatest gifts?" she says, thinking about the sweetness of the sentiment._

"_It certainly was."_

"_It was?"_

"_Kate… you have to wake up now, but remember that I love you."_

"_Was?...Rick?"_

"_Wake up, Kate. It's time."_

* * *

"Castle!" she screams, sitting up in bed and looking around to see that he wasn't in the room. Then she remembers last night and realizes that Alexis was no longer in the room either.

"Kate?" Alexis says, running into the room.

She looks up into the eyes of the girl, not knowing exactly what to say or what to understand in the moment.

"I'm fine… just… it was a dream. I'm sorry I scared you." She says, breath still hitching.

"That's okay. I… uh… I made you coffee. I figured you would be going back in soon." Alexis replies, turning to head out of the room again.

It's then that Kate allows herself to think back on the dream she had, the way he told her that he loved her, that it was one of his greatest gifts when she said it back. When she thinks about his last words, the realization that the feeling in her gut was gone hits her full force. That feeling that kept her hoping… kept her holding on to her sanity… it was gone. She looks down at the ring on her finger, put there by a man that she had never intended to fall so madly in love with, and she knows.

She knows without a doubt that she didn't need to go into the precinct today. Today was about waiting… waiting for a call that she knew was about to come.

* * *

"I'm glad you stayed home."

"Alexis, can I be honest with you?"

She looks over at Kate from her spot on the couch, wrapped up in a worn blanket that smelled like her father, and she nods.

"We… we don't have a lot to go on. We're grasping at straws right now, and the guys are working around the clock."

"and you don't think you're going to find him…you're giving up." Alexis says, finishing Kate's thought.

"No… I would never give up… but I… Alexis… I love him… and I've had this feeling the past week that he was out there and he was waiting for us to find him, but… that feeling…"

They are interrupted by a soft knock on the door to the loft, and Alexis moves to answer it. She stops when she sees Kate's hand go up to stop her.

Kate looks over to the door, and then looks back at her, noting the color draining from the redhead's face, "Alexis, I need you to know that no matter what happens… today or any other day… I'm here… I'm here for you, and I love you."

"Kate…"

"Do you understand?"

"I do, but Kate, this can't be it... You've got to believe that you're going to find him. You told me you were going to find him."

"Alexis…" she starts, but again hears the soft knock at the door.

"I understand." She answers, meeting Kate's eyes when she turns back, the fear inside her never calming.

Kate nods, going to the door, not knowing who was on the other side, but allowing the deep breath to brace her for what she knew was going to be said.

There were four of them. The boys, Lanie, and Gates are standing on the other side of the door when she opens it.

The exhale shutters out of her at the look on the face of her Captain.

"You found him." She states, and then noting the nod from the older woman, continues, "At least tell me it was fast… tell me he didn't suffer."

The surprise on Gates' was there, but subdued. "You know?"

"I felt it… I knew when I woke up this morning… Tell me what this was."

"Detective, I don't think that this is the time or place to—"

"Kate?"

She turns, hearing that tiny voice behind her… the voice of her own self when she was nineteen and learning that her mother had been found dead in an alleyway.

"Alexis, I…"

"No…. No! You said when we were in the Hamptons that you were going to find him! You said that he was going to come back to us! You said that you wouldn't stop until he was home! He wouldn't be in this if it wasn't for you!"

"Alexis!" she screams to get the girl's attention.

"He always followed you! He loved you and you… you didn't even have the guts to tell him how you felt until it was almost too late! This wouldn't have happened!"

"Alexis!" she screams again to try to calm her down just before feeling the slap across her face.

"Oh my God!" Alexis says, covering her face as her jaw drops open in horror at what she just did. "Kate, I'm… I can't."

The younger woman starts to tremble then, shaking uncontrollably as Kate offers an apologetic glance towards the team at her door before wrapping her arms around her and leading her back towards the bedroom they shared last night.

"Kate, I'm sorry. He would be so ashamed of me right now." She says, sobbing into the shoulder of the other woman once they sit on the edge of the bed.

"No. No he wouldn't. Alexis, he would get it…. I… I do too. I was your age when my mom was murdered… I remember not believing anything that anyone said. I remember being angry at everyone who even came near me to comfort me. I remember blaming anyone that I could. Alexis… you do whatever you need to do. You blame me, you blame God, you do what you need to do, but know that I'm going to be right here to help you through all of it. I meant what I said earlier."

"Who's going to help you?"

"I hope you are… and Martha… even your dad… We'll get through this."

"I don't want to go back out there. Not after-"

"Stay. I'll do what needs to be done out there. You stay in here and keep the bed warm…. I feel like we might need a nap." She says with a small smile before walking out the door and back to the company they had.

"Kate." Lanie says, approaching her friend, but being passed aside as Kate walks over to the Captain.

"What was it? Who was it?"

Gates falters a bit and Kate doesn't miss the looks shared by Ryan and Esposito at the question. Whatever this was, it was something that they had all predicted at one time or another… it wasn't a surprise that she saw in the glances. It was the knowledge that this was always going to happen…

"Bracken." She says simply, causing Kate's entire body to stiffen.

"How? How the HELL was he able to pull this off from a cell?" she says through clenched teeth.

"From what we have found out, it was put in motion a long time ago. He ordered a hit on Castle after the hit on you was unsuccessful. He thought you would be vulnerable enough to drop your guard. He would be able to get to you after he got to him. He thought you would give up." Espo says, the anger evident in his voice.

"How do you know for sure it was him? How are you proving this?"

"We found the guy who killed Ca- he was willing to roll on Bracken. Uniforms found him in a upscale apartment downtown. The neighbor was former Army, now working for a private security firm. He heard the gunshot this morning and actually held the guy until the police came. It was like it was out of a movie. We got him into interrogation and we got him to spill all of it." Ryan adds.

"How?"

"It doesn't matter how we got him to talk, it matters that he did."

"That's not what I'm asking…" She says still letting the information sink in while turning her gaze to the only woman she trusted at a crime scene. "Lanie… how?"

Lanie shakes her head, knowing exactly what her best friend was asking her for.

"Lanie, my whole future was wrapped up in that man… you knew it before I did… Hell, you ALL knew that before I did. He became everything to me… I have to know this… How did it happen?"

Lanie takes a deep breath, telling herself that she needed to treat it like any other scene… any other moment… wishing that it was just a routine case she was explaining. She looks into the eyes of her friend and lets the switch flip… back to the professional medical examiner reporting at a crime scene. "Single gunshot to the back of the head… no evidence of torture. Time of death was between 8 and 9 this morning." She finally says, her throat closing on the last of her words.

Hearing the black and white description finally made it penetrate into her mind… he was gone. The hope she had just yesterday was squashed. No wedding, no family, no future with the man she fell in love with years ago.

"I'm sorry, but I need… Alexis and I need to be alone. I need time." She says quickly.

They all exchange looks until Gates gestures for the door and Kate watches as they all slowly get up.

"Kate, you don't have to do this alone…" Lanie says, finally placing a supportive hand on the shoulder of her friend, only to be shrugged off.

"I'm not… I just… I need to be here and be with Alexis and sort through all of it."

"You call us, Chica… you call us if you need anything." Espo says, leading Lanie away from her best friend with a grasp on her elbow.

"All you need to do is make sure he doesn't see the outside of a jail cell ever again… you make sure that he pays. He killed almost all the witnesses to these crimes… I know that he's got people that will lie for him. You don't let that happen." She says, causing all of them to turn back toward her from the doorway.

"Detective… Kate. We will make sure that he doesn't get away with any of this. You take all the time that you need for this. I don't expect you to be back any time soon. While I may not have appreciated his methods and I may have teased the two of you, Mr. Castle was part of that family at the 12th and he will be missed." Gates says as she's walking out the door, causing a stir of emotions in Kate's mind.

"Thank you, Sir."

With that, she shuts the door behind them and walks into the bedroom where she finds Alexis with her father's pillow held close to her. She lays down beside her, and lets the tears fall and the sleep overtake her again.

* * *

"_You're even beautiful when you cry, did you know that?" he says, smoothing the hair from her face._

"_Castle." She says, looking towards him with wonder._

"_You have to be there for them, Kate. I know you said that you would be, but don't run this time. No more running. Be there… You'll need them soon enough."_

"_Can't I just stay here… stay in my dreams?"_

"_Not an option." He replies._

"_Why did you leave?"_

"_You think I wanted to? You think that I wanted to miss out on everything that's happening?"_

"_Everything that's happening? You're missing out on grieving, Castle. That's what's happening…grieving for you. I know you don't have THAT much of an ego." She smiles at him, in an attempt to lighten her own mood._

"_Kate, I love you so much."_

"_I know you do… that's why it's not fair. It's not fair that you left."_

"_I know… but you won't be alone. I'm with you… I'm with you so much more than you even understand right now. I'll always be with you."_

"_I want you here… I want your arms around me... We had so much more… so much more time… so much more living…"_

"_Don't do that, Kate." He says, shaking his head and holding her face gently in his hands._

"_Don't do what?"_

"_Don't act like it's over. There's so much more that you have to do."_

"_No."_

"_Kate… wake up and be there."_

* * *

When she wakes up, it takes her a moment to realize that the body next to her is not his… it's his daughter's. Alexis had fallen asleep after their talk earlier, and when her team and the captain left, Kate had crawled into the bed beside her. Her hand rested on the younger Castle's shoulder while she slept, a gesture of protection.

It was that moment, that she realized again why they were there… he was gone.

She runs to the bathroom to empty the contents of her stomach, the loss of him too much for her to conquer in that moment, and after checking on Alexis, she makes her way to the living room.

Her phone in hand, she hits the contact that she so desperately wants to hear.

"Hi, You've reached Richard Castle, and I'm sorry, but I'm with my beautiful wife on our honeymoon, and we are both very distracted… as I'm sure you can imagine. Leave a message, and you may be lucky enough for me to call you back. Until then, have a fantastic day." She hears for the first time, not knowing or caring about when he had changed it, but knowing how much fun he must have had while doing it.

The message proved to be her undoing and she is quickly dialing another contact, needing to be sure, "Hi… it's Kate… can you come?"

It's just ten minutes before the knock on the door is heard, which doesn't surprise her because it was nearly 3 o'clock in the morning.

Opening the door, Lanie rushes in, and moves to embrace her friend.

Kate can't handle that at the moment, and puts her hands up in front of her, "Lanie, I'm sorry, you can't… I… I don't…"

She can't make the words come out… doesn't understand why she even called her friend over. "It isn't you."

"Kate?"

Kate shakes her head, trying to make sense of everything.

"Kate, honey, talk to me." Lanie says, placing a hand gently on Kate's shoulder.

"It isn't you… It's not you that I want… I don't want you, Lanie… I want him… I want to talk to him about how I feel right now. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that it's going to be okay. I want him to wipe the tears from under my eyes. I just… I want him."

Lanie's eyes are swimming with tears as she watches her friend come undone before her eyes. She can't even begin to come up with a reply.

"Can I… I called you here because I need to ask you something… can I?"

"Whatever you need." Lanie says with a confident tone.

"Lanie…" her voice starts to break before she can get out the rest of the words, "are you sure?"

"Am I sure about what, sweetie?" she asks, softly with her brow furrowed.

"Are you sure it was him?"

"Oh, Kate…" she says, finally going against her friend's wishes and wrapping her arms around her. "Honey, I'm sure."

"Lanie!" she sobs, letting her body shake with the force of her tears, "How could this happen? Why would he get taken away from me?"

Burying her head in the shoulder of her friend, Lanie cries with her, "I don't know, Kate… I don't know."

They sit like that for what seems like hours before Kate's breathing finally slows, her body calming down.

"I'm sorry that I had to ask you that… I knew… I knew that you were sure, but I—"

"you don't have to explain yourself, Kate… I get it."

"Okay." She says, wiping at her eyes.

A few moments of silence follows before Lanie asks her, "What's next Kate?"

"I guess I have to figure out all the arrangements for the—"

"No… Kate, I mean what's next for you? I know that you haven't had the time to think about it, but… you know that you have to keep going, Kate. It might not seem like it now, but you still have a life to live."

"I don't want to do it without him…"

"You can't think like that… Castle wouldn't want you to think like that. Think about Alexis and Martha…"

"They have each other… They've had each other their whole lives. They don't need me in the mix."

"Katherine Beckett, you don't really believe that… I know you don't. You love Alexis and you love Martha. You told me when you and Castle got engaged that they were family… that you were starting a family with them. And as much as I know it kills you… you and Alexis share something now… losing a parent. You've told me about Meredith and so has Alexis… you need to be there for her. You're the closest thing to a mother she's ever going to get, and I know that she needs you."

"I don't know how to do this, Lanie."

"No one ever does Kate… but you move on… you live your life."

"I never deserved any of this… this perfect life with a wonderful man… a wonderful family… a beautiful home. That's why it was taken away."

"You don't get to do that, Kate. I can already see you building those walls back up. Castle broke them down for you… he saw what was behind them more than any of us, and he knew that the real you needed to be shown. You did deserve your happy ending… You didn't deserve it being torn away from you."

"She's right."

It came from the stairs, and neither woman had heard the source of the comment come out of her room.

"Martha…"

"Katherine… you do deserve this… you deserve a family that loves you and a beautiful home. You deserve a man that loves you the way that my son does. You deserve a mother in your life even though yours was taken from you. I'm sorry that you feel like you don't. And she's right… we do need you. I know I need a daughter around and Alexis needs a mother, and I know that you need us too."

"Martha, I have to tell you something…" she says, realizing that Martha hadn't been down since this afternoon.

"You don't… I already know."

"You haven't been—"

"I haven't been present… I know."

"Martha, please don't do what my father did. I know that this is painful… but please don't let yourself go down that road."

"Kiddo," she says, coming down the stairs to embrace the younger woman, "I'm going to be fine. I had to be the dramatic for a little while… it's my nature… and it might happen again… but I know that I'm going to be okay. Lanie's right… it doesn't feel like it right now, but our lives will move on from here."

"Even if I don't want them to?" Kate asks with a sad smile, pulling back from the embrace after a moment.

"Even then."

She lets out a deep breath, which actually causes a yawn to escape, leading Lanie to suggest that she should maybe go back to bed.

"Will you stay?" she asks her friend.

"I'll be on the couch." Lanie says with a nod.

"I'll get her some pillows and a blanket, dear. You go back to bed… I'll go check on Alexis." Martha offers, headed towards the stairs again.

"No need… she's um… she's in here with me." Kate says, gesturing to her and Castle's bedroom.

"Then I know that she'll be in good hands." Martha says, "get some rest Katherine."

Kate nods, before turning away from the two women and heading back into the bedroom.

She takes a moment to watch Alexis after climbing into the bed, allowing herself to think of the pain that she felt after losing her mother. Alexis was stronger than she was at that age… but even with that, it will be devastating.

"Kate?" the whisper comes and she startles a bit at the sound.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I do need you… don't go." Alexis says softly, not opening her eyes.

"I'm here, Alexis." She replies.

"Always?"

The younger woman's reply causes a tremble in Kate's heart. The familiar term filled with meaning that she was sure the younger Castle wasn't even aware of. She thinks of him then, remembering their promise to each other… a promise that she was now going to make to his daughter.

"Always."

A small smile forms on her sleepy face, and Kate slips down beside her and allows herself to relax and fall back into a restless sleep.

* * *

"_You are so beautiful and I love you." He says, smoothing her hair._

"_You need to stop telling me that… my ego can't take it." She smiles back at him._

"_Now that I'm gone, will you please work on taking a compliment? I was working really hard on that with you… you need to acknowledge how extraordinary you are, Kate."_

"_Gone." She says, placing her fingers on his lips and leaning in to him._

"_We can't…" he says, stopping her before she completes the distance between them._

"_Why?"_

_He shrugs, "Rules."_

"_You're gone."_

"_I'm still here." He says._

"_No, you're not."_

"_Kate, no matter where you are… I'm still with you. Please remember that."_

"_She asked me for always, Castle."_

"_You gave it to her… thank you for that, Kate. She needs you. I told you that they needed you. You're going to need them too… more so in the coming months. Lean on them… they love you."_

"_I love you."_

_His smile is bright when he replies, "There you go again with my gift."_

"_Lanie has to be wrong…"_

"_She's not… and she and mother were right… You have to keep living Kate… It's not an option."_

"_I don't think I can be here without you, Rick."_

"_You can."_

* * *

"No." she says out loud.

"Kate?"

"Castle, no… I don't want to be here."

"Kate?"

She feels the arms shaking her awake and opens her eyes in search of his. When she sees eyes so similar, she realizes where she is, what happened just a few minutes… maybe hours ago.

"I can still hear him… he's still everywhere." She finally says, watching as her words cause Alexis to tear up again. "I'm sorry, Lex…. I just… I had never wanted it before. I thought that I had love before your dad. I thought I knew what I wanted… and then… he just showed up and he changed everything. Love was so much more than I thought it was supposed to be and all of a sudden I wanted all of it. I wanted to grow old with someone beside me, I wanted a family, I wanted a future… I never wanted that before him… and now it's just gone… it's all gone."

"Kate, my dad and Gram are all I had… my whole life. When you showed up and you changed him… you made him fall in love with you like I had never seen before. That scared me. I knew that he would walk through fire for you and part of me hated you for it… and then at some point I realized that you'd be right next to him in the fire and you loved him back just as much as he loved you. All these small things that you've done for me over the years or the things you've let me be a part of… Kate that matters more to me than you can even imagine… you are my family now. You still have that family… it may not be at all what either of us thought, but I can't lose you now and I don't want you to feel like you're alone. Kate, we need each other."

"Your dad said the same thing… always telling me not to run."

"Please don't. Don't run from this, Kate. It's hard enough for me to face losing one parent… don't make me lose another."

Kate's eyes meet Alexis' sharply, noting the title she bestowed upon her for the first time. She was right though, and she knew that Castle would have said the same thing. He told her the day before this mess happened that everything had led them to that point for a reason… maybe this was that reason.

"I'm sorry… about what I said." Alexis finally admits, not wanting to meet Kate's eyes while saying it.

"Alexis, I meant what I said earlier… you're going to want to blame and you're going to get angry, and I get that. I'm still going to be here, even if you realize you hate me."

"Always, right?" she asks, vaguely remembering the voices from last night and their exchange.

"Always."

"I don't hate you, Kate, I love you… It's just easy to point a finger right now."

"You're pointing the finger at the right person… you were right… he wouldn't have been in that situation had it not been for me."

"You know what… maybe not, but he loved it… he was passionate about what he was doing with you guys. I know that you all teased him about his theories and his craziness, but he really did believe that he was helping people through what you guys were doing."

"He was… he really did help us so much…"

"And he loved it, and he loved you and it meant spending time with you and spending time doing something that he felt mattered."

Kate sighs before pulling Alexis closer to her, needing to have someone close while thinking back on all the cases they worked together… all the families they got justice for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Even though this hasn't gotten the feedback that my other's have, I'm still continuing this… cause I love writing it. This is one of those that was inspired by two songs that I'll include at the end of the fic, "Remember Me" by Augustana and "I'll Follow You" by Jon McLaughlin. If you want to get a bit into it… check the two songs out because they are the driving force behind this fic. Anyways… here's the next installment, so enjoy. Review and respond if you would like.**

"_It's a big day today…" he says, her eyes opening after he does._

"_A big day? No… Our wedding day was supposed to be a big day… this… this day isn't—"_

"_Do you remember what you told me about your mom's funeral, Kate? The stick man from your desk?" he asks, searching her face for recognition and only finding grief, "You said that you realized that day that even on the worst days there is possibility for joy…"_

"_I don't see the joy, Castle… I can't see past this right now."_

"_Don't build that wall Kate… don't push everyone away… you're stronger than that now… you need to be. You'll get the joy today… I promise."_

"_I had you…that is why I could break down these walls…"_

"_I think that is where you are not realizing something… Kate… you still have me. I'm always going to be beside you… that's why I'm here now."_

"_I'm pretty sure that everyone else would tell me that I'm just going crazy and making this all up in my head…"_

_He takes a breath then, settling himself further on the pillow next to her before sharing the next sentiment, "Do you remember that night when you had met your friend Carly?"_

"_When you didn't call me and save me?" she replies, raising an eyebrow in return._

"_Kate… the ninjas." He says, causing a small smile to grace her features._

"_So you say… continue."_

"_You said that night that you were worried that we would be boring. People for years have told me to just give up on love. Meredith and Gina were just the typical end result. You find that person and eventually the hearts grow cold toward one another and it's over."_

"_Castle, I have to sit through your funeral today… we're burying you today… it is over."_

"_You see… that's where you're wrong Kate Castle… In my mind… in my perfect world, you and I will be forever. I will love you until the end of time and as long as you're around… I'll be wherever you are. Kate, we have that love… don't tell me that we don't."_

"_I can't do this… I can't do this today, Rick."_

"_You need to… and you need to be there for Alexis and for mother… Kate they need you and you need them… lean on them."_

"_I want you…"_

"_I'm there, Kate… It's time to wake up and face the day. Look for the joy… it will be there."_

It was the first time that week that she woke up without Alexis in the bed with her. The redhead had taken to just sleeping in with Kate to keep the nightmares at bay. Today was different though… today was the day that they had to face all those people from their lives… all the people that claimed that they would support them and were so sorry for their loss.

* * *

Thirteen years ago she stood in this same spot… letting people that she didn't know embrace her. She shook the hands of people she had never met. She accepted cards and flowers from strangers all afternoon. The three women of Richard Castle's life, receiving condolences for their loss while wishing the entire time they were somewhere else.

"Oh Baby!" she hears coming toward them quickly and sees another glimpse of a fiery head before hearing Alexis let out a gasp of breath beside her.

Meredith skipped the line and came right up front, as she should have for her daughter, but the theatrics didn't stop there as she grabbed onto Alexis.

"God, I can't believe that this happened! Alexis, honey, are you okay? I came as quickly as I could! You're coming home with me when this is all over… I'll take care of you."

That wasn't going to work for her… nope… that was the tipping point of the day. Her bucket was full and she was done with the pleasantries the second she caught the fear in Alexis' eyes at Meredith's words. She knew she had to intervene before this caused a whole set of issues.

"Meredith, first of all you need to calm down… and secondly, you won't be taking Alexis anywhere. Now, can you please step aside so we can finish greeting the rest of the people who waited in line? We appreciate you coming for Rick." Kate says, softly enough that others wouldn't hear, but loud enough that it caught Alexis and Martha's ears while pulling her away from Alexis.

Meredith was never one for subtlety, "What I do with MY daughter is none of your business, and excuse me for mourning MY husband."

Snap.

"Your husband… oh please throw that in my face when you know that he died before our wedding… You never loved that man… not the way he deserved. No… you got pregnant and then you threw everything away. You threw away a life with a wonderful man and a beautiful daughter to screw around with your director in hopes of a career that I still haven't seen went anywhere. As far as your daughter is concerned… if you had cared at all about her you would have come. I call bull shit on the declaration that you came as quickly as you could… his car crashed two WEEKS ago and we found his body a week ago… No… you didn't come as quickly as you could. I can tell by the fixed roots and manicure that you took your time making your way to the East coast because God forbid that the ex-wife of Richard Castle look anything but perfect while supposedly mourning a man that she loved… Leave."

"How dare you!" She says, the venom practically oozing out of her.

"No… How dare YOU…Every word she said was true… you aren't welcome here." This time the dismissal came from Martha, who stepped in closely next to Kate, also blocking Alexis from the other woman.

After a few moments of shock, Meredith pulled away and walked out of the funeral home in a huff, leaving behind her a stunned silence that seemed to all be focused on Kate.

"Excuse me." Kate says, stepping back from the line and heading to the family room to compose herself.

The release of adrenaline was too much for her body to handle and she lost what little breakfast she had eaten the second she was alone.

When she stepped out of the restroom, Alexis was already there, holding out a small washcloth and a bottle of water.

"Alexis… I overstepped, I'm sorry."

Alexis regards her for a moment, seeing the anguish on the older woman's face for the umpteenth time in the past two weeks. However, she knew that this was combined with something else… a fear of hurting her… a fear of losing the family they had talked about.

"You didn't. Everything you said… you were right."

The two sit down on the couch for a few minutes in silence before Alexis breaks through, "I wanted you, you know…. I needed you… Thinking back on what happened the past two weeks the only two people in my head were you and Gram. I never once thought that I needed my mother… I thought I already had her."

Kate's eyes shed new tears then, thinking about the responsibility of Alexis falling to her now. She knew when she signed on with Castle that the girl's mother was a train wreck. She wasn't there and Kate knew better than anyone what not having your mom around was like. She vowed silently to be there for Alexis in whatever way she needed. It was here now.

"I don't even know where that came from." She admits sheepishly after remembering what exactly she said to the other woman.

"You love me and you knew that she was here for the wrong reasons." Alexis says, shrugging her shoulders.

Kate lets a scoff escape her lips when she replies, "How can you be okay with what just happened, Lex?"

"Honestly… because losing my father was way worse than what just happened out there… and if I didn't already know it… I know now that you and I and Gram are going to be okay… we're going to get through this whole thing together and it's going to be okay. It's probably going to suck, but it's going to be okay."

They sit for another few minutes before Kate finally stands up and turns around to pull Alexis up with her.

"Are you feeling okay?" Alexis asks, remembering the condition she found her in when she came to check on her.

"I think the adrenaline and breakfast all decided to join forces in one fell swoop. It wasn't pretty, but I'm okay now."

"You sure?"

Kate nods, appreciating the concern, but dismissing it again, "We've got one more hour of this and then the cemetery and home. You think we can do it?"

"We can."

"Can you just give me a minute? I'll be out in a bit."

Alexis nods, heading out the door and stopping short when she sees the face that greets her on the other side.

"Gina… this isn't a good—"

"Can I just speak with Kate a minute, Alexis?"

Alexis looks to Kate with concern, not wanting to leave her alone with another of her father's ex loves.

"It's okay, Lex. I'll be fine." Kate assures her, standing up to greet her fiance's second wife.

As Gina steps in the room, Alexis steps out, leaving the two women alone.

"So… Meredith." She says, causing Kate's eyes to narrow in her direction. "Oh don't worry honey… I'm not here to criticize. I've always disliked her…. Though I suppose we always dislike the women that were in our men's lives when they weren't with us. Everything you said about Meredith is true, and I'm sure that you could say some of the same things about me as well."

Kate shakes her head. What little she knows about Castle's relationship with Gina isn't terrible. He admits that he jumped the gun in marrying her, and he also says that the two of them realized that what they had wasn't something that would last forever.

"Well… I never loved him enough. I didn't deserve him. I just… Kate… I'm his editor… I read everything that he writes. The way he wrote Nikki Heat was flawless. The relationship between Nikki and Rook… I know now how much it paralleled the two of you… it's beautiful. That give and take, the banter, the matched wits. When we tried a second time, I knew that it was over even before it started. He had found a new love… I thought maybe he hadn't realized it yet. He loved you, and if those books were any indication of that love… you were a very lucky woman, because he never had that love… that driving passion… he never had it for me. He was a wonderful man, and I don't regret being a part of his life, but I wanted you to know that, without a doubt, those novels were just love letters to the extraordinary Kate Beckett… and… I brought you something..." she says, holding out a folded piece of paper for her. "He always saved this for last… it was always the last thing that he sent me, but halfway through this last chapter, he sent me this. I know he didn't get to finish the novel, but I wanted to make sure that you had this."

The words made her eyes go blurry with tears the instant she read them, "To my always… my beautiful, extraordinary wife… you were right about this just being the beginning… I can't wait for our next chapter."

"It's the dedication for Wicked Heat… I thought you would want it."

"Gina… thank you… I don't think you understand how much this means to me."

She smiles a small smile, "I'm glad you have it… now I'll let you get back to your guests. I know that we'll be talking soon about everything with Black Pawn, but I wanted to make sure that I talked to you before that. Thank you for being such an inspiration to Rick. He needed someone like you in his life."

With that, the other woman left and Kate reread the words he wrote, smiling down at the knowledge that something he usually saved for last was in her hands because he couldn't wait for it to go to print… something that acknowledged her as his wife… even when she would never receive the title. Maybe this was that joy he spoke of.

* * *

"Long day, Kiddo." Martha says, startling a snoozing Kate hours later.

After the funeral service and cemetery they had decided to go against tradition and told everyone to get lost. There would be no reception at the loft and they would have no guests. He knew so many people because of his writing and the precinct had come out in full force… it would have been never-ending if they had extended the invitation.

So the instant they came back to the loft, they stripped off their funeral clothes and put on pajamas and watched movies for the rest of the evening.

Alexis had decided on food to order and Martha had poured another glass of wine, which allowed Kate just enough time to let her eyes droop and her body relax.

"yeah… long day." She replies. "Martha, I'm glad that you… that you're feeling better."

"Katherine, I do want to apologize for that first week. That wasn't fair to you or to Alexis and I'm sorry."

"Martha, you lost your son… everyone grieves in a different way, and that's fine."

Martha nods, sitting back for a moment and observing her almost daughter-in-law for a bit before letting herself go somewhere that she was hesitant to approach.

With a quick glance to the kitchen, she saw that Alexis was distracted by ordering, "Katherine, come with me a minute. I… I have something for you and… I don't know how to…"

"Martha, you shouldn't have…"

"Oh dear, when you see what I've got, you'll understand why I had to." She says, standing up and heading toward the master bedroom and motioning for Kate to follow her.

"We'll be back in a moment kiddo." Martha says to Alexis, still on the phone.

The older woman glides past her into the bathroom and comes out bearing her gift in a small brown paper bag.

"Martha, what…" she says, stopping short when she pulls the item out of the bag.

"I was out of it…. I know… but being an actress means that you are always observing… you notice when someone can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, upturns her nose at food she normally loves, and excuses herself from the breakfast table to take a Tums. If I'm being totally honest, I've had this here since the week before the wedding… You two were so wrapped up in the wedding preparations… I just suspected and…Katherine, I know that I may be way out of line here, but I also know that with everything that has happened in the past few weeks you aren't yourself. Chalk it up to Richard's passing and I'm fine with that, but if you have the slightest inclination, then the option is there." She says, kissing Kate on the forehead before exiting the room quietly.

No.

She couldn't.

She wouldn't even entertain the thought.

She wouldn't think it possible until she remembers his statement from her dream earlier that morning.

"Even on the worst of days, there is possibility for joy." She says aloud, looking at Martha's "gift" sitting beside her on the bed.

* * *

She had thought that the longest moments of her life were the 15 minutes it took her to get to Castle on that day… to go from a phone call like that to the scene. She was never more wrong because these were the longest 3 minutes in the history of the universe…. At least in her mind they were. The minutes allowed her to think back on the past few weeks for any indication like Martha had hinted at. She couldn't come up with anything, aside from scrunching her nose up at the thought of a hamburger when they went to Remy's last.

Castle would have been here… sitting next to her during all of this and reassuring her that they were ready… that they wanted this more than anything. She knows that he would be right there, and that thought alone causes the tears to fall.

Daring to look, her heart leaps in her chest and then plummets into her stomach all at the same moment.

Pregnant.

All the teasing comes back to her. That moment she knew that she wanted nothing more than to have a family with that man comes flying back at her. She remembers that night they watched Benny… their little "Cosmo". He placed the baby in her arms and as she looked up from whispering silly nothings to the little man she saw her future in a fantastic brunette, blue-eyed package. His mused hair, his t-shirt covered in spit-up, and his glance back to her did her in. She may have not started that day being a baby person but she ended that night being a baby with Castle person one hundred percent.

She lets the smile come and brushes her hand at the still flat stomach she had before glancing up to the mirror. Her hair was still down and unruly, just the way he liked it and her eyes, though wet from tears just moments before, had a brightness about them that she wasn't expecting. She could practically feel him coming behind her and putting his arms around her, resting them on the new life growing inside. She could hear his voice telling her that every moment led her here and that he was beside her always.

"Kate, are you coming out soon? The food should be here in like ten minutes and Gram and I picked out our next movie." Alexis calls through the bedroom door.

"I'll be out in a sec…"

Taking a deep breath, attempting to get her emotions in check she thought about what she should say when she walked out of the room. A part of her had the idea to just let it go… Martha said that it was her choice to take the test, so maybe she didn't take it. Would Martha ask, should she tell Alexis right now, should she wait? Then it dawned on her that the reason for her joy that day… the day of her mother's funeral, was that she shared that moment with her dad. This was her family… they needed a little joy too. At least she hoped that they would see it that way.

Walking out of the bedroom, Martha's eyes met hers for just a second and she catches the sparkle inside it… the joy of having another grandchild.

"You okay, Kate?" Alexis asks, and she looks up with a smile then.

Kate searches for Martha's stare again, questioning the idea of telling her, until she sees the nod from the older woman.

"So, I have to tell you guys something… and I… I want you to know that I don't do this… This is hard for me to do because it's new and it's scary and I don't really know how to… I hide things and I keep them to myself and I like to process, but this is something that I think we should all process together."

"Kate? Why don't you just say it, okay?" Alexis asks with a small smile.

"I'm pregnant." She says, looking directly into Alexis' eyes as she says it, wanting to see the honest reaction of the girl more than anything.

The younger woman automatically wraps her arms around Kate, pulling her close.

"I know that this is a lot to take in, but –" Kate starts, thinking that Alexis might be upset by the news.

"No! Oh my gosh! I'm not upset, I'm happy, I promise!" Alexis says immediately pulling out of Kate's arms. "Kate… Dad would have been so happy… He… he asked me once a few months ago about the two of you and starting a family. I think it was after that night you had Benny with you. He was worried that I would have some issues with the whole thing. I told him that I wanted whatever made him happy, and he told me…" she starts, he breath hitching on the words for a moment before continuing, "he told me that I was the first and brightest light of his life and that having me would never be a regret for him… and then he told me that having another baby and getting to do it right this time and to do it with you would make him the happiest man in the world… because three lights had to be way better than one."

Both Martha and Kate wiped at their eyes before Kate pulled her back close, "That sounds just like your father… always the wordsmith."

"Yeah, well he also mentioned that four or five would be even better than that…"

Though Alexis meant it as a sarcastic and silly comment towards her father, she looked quickly up at Kate realizing that may not have been the best comment.

"Alexis, it's fine… Short of twins, your dad only gets three lights… I'm glad that I'll have this. We talked about more than one… but… God, I can't even fathom how hard it is going to be, but I'm glad." Kate says with a bright smile that Alexis hadn't seen in weeks.

"I for one am excited that we are going to have a little one around. We had the best time when this one was younger… pillow fights, sheet forts, laser tag, pizza night, movies on the ceiling… It's going to be wonderful." Martha says, gesturing towards Alexis and still naming more events in the younger Castle's life.

As Martha is rattling off all the things that they did when Alexis was younger, that sinking feeling in Kate's stomach came back… the one that showed up when she was missing him.

Alexis must have sensed the shift in her when she hugged a little tighter before whispering close, "I remember it all… and I'll tell her everything… she'll know exactly who her father was."

Kate sucks in a breath before looking down at her, and asks with a small laugh, "She?"

"It's a hunch."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Hey guys… here's the next update for this fic… I want to give a shout out to the people who have PMed me or reviewed with how much they are enjoying this… I love these characters too, so I get the hesitance when reading something with character death… I usually skip those myself… but I feel like Castle is still living on in a way… Enjoy and review if you would like!**

"Katherine, may I come in?" Martha says, the next afternoon when she hears the shower stop in the master bath and gives Kate a few minutes to be presentable.

"Of course, Martha."

"I heard the shower earlier…" she says, and then takes a survey of the woman in front of her. The heat from the shower caused a red flush on her skin, but didn't hide the blotched face and red-rimmed eyes. "Oh, Katherine… come here."

While she wasn't one for embraces and comfort, Kate accepted the offer of open arms instantly. The two women sat on the foot of the bed with silent tears running down their faces.

"The shower is an excellent place to cry, you know… but it's okay to lose it out in the open, kiddo… you don't have to hide it."

Kate nods her head, swiping at her eyes, "I know that Martha… I just… I didn't go there intending on a sob fest… it just happened. I started thinking about the baby and all the… I just had a few moments."

"And you will."

They sit for a moment before Martha starts to talk to her about everything that happened the day before.

"Yesterday was a big day… the services for Richard and finding out about our little surprise… I'm not going to ask you how you are because that seems thin right now, but I want you to tell me what is going on in that beautiful head of yours." She says with a smile.

"Honestly, I don't even know what's going on in my head… Yesterday wasn't closure for me, and I don't know what will be. I keep thinking that this was all some elaborate game with someone from our past and he is just going to show up tomorrow at the door with a few bruises and a hell of a story for all of us."

"I heard Dr. Parish tell you… that's not going to happen, Katherine… no matter how much we want it to."

"I know…"

"And the baby… I remember when I found out that I was pregnant… I thought that I was going to lose my breakfast, cry, and have a heart attack all at the same time."

Kate laughs at this, which delights Martha, "That about sums it up… yeah."

"Katherine, I know many things in my old age… I know someone who is going to be a good mother when I see her. You, my darling, are going to be amazing… Richard knew that. Now… this is probably the absolute scariest thing that you are ever going to do, but know that women have been doing it for years and they've come out alive for the most part the majority of the time."

The older woman always had a way with words, and it was a surprising comfort to Kate in the moment.

"Martha… I… I want you to know… that day… the day of the wedding. When you gave me the earrings to wear. I had told Rick that the day I tried on the other dress I half expected my mom to be standing there behind me in the mirror. That moment, when I was putting on those earrings… it was like she was there and she was telling me that you were there too, you know? I had her dress on and standing right beside me was you… I never had the talks with my mom about babies and husbands because I was never at that age when my mom was around. I'm just glad that you're here…"

"You know… I always wanted a daughter, and you, Katherine, are the perfect fit."

Kate smiles again, and embraces Martha once more before letting out a loud sigh, "so this whole pregnancy thing… what am I in for?"

Martha laughs and they spend the rest of the afternoon talking about all the ups and downs of Martha's pregnancy, with Kate laughing all the way at her antics.

* * *

"Kate?" she hears from the other side of the bedroom door and looks up from her book to tell Alexis to come in.

"It was a really long day… and I…"

"I saved a spot for you." Kate says, with a sad smile, patting the bed next to her, the side she used to occupy before the need to be near him was too great that she switched over to what his side used to be.

"Heat Wave?" Alexis says, climbing into bed and gesturing toward the book in Kate's hand.

"I wanted to read it again."

"How many times have you read it?"

"I lost count…" Kate says with a blush to her face.

"Paula told him once that it was his love letter to you… I'd have to agree… especially when he kept going with it."

"It's a great love letter." Kate says, allowing her fingers to trace the letters of his name on the front cover.

"I'm sorry that you didn't get that… his name." Alexis finally says, watching her actions closely while lying in the bed next to her and looking up at her watering eyes.

"So am I…"

"I'm sorry for my dad too. My mom and Gina never took his name… they didn't want to for fear of it ruining their careers. He was so excited that you were going to take his name."

"He called me that once… Kate Castle… it fit." She thinks back on the dream a few days ago.

Alexis nods and then allows the two of them to sit in silence for a while before she broaches another subject to the older woman, "Kate, I know that this is the farthest thing from your mind right now, but in my eyes… you guys were married. All of this… the loft… the money… all of it is yours too. I'll make sure that it happens. I overheard you talking to Dr. Parish the other day… I know that you don't know about the logistics of this situation… but Gram and I don't see the need for anything to change with living situations and money."

"Alexis that isn't necessary."

"Oh… I mean… you don't have to stay here—" Alexis says, backpedaling because she thought Kate wanted out of the whole thing.

"No! That's not what I meant… I… I haven't really thought that much about it. It's too hard to think about. The money though… that's what I mean is unnecessary. I have always supported myself, and I intend to keep it that way."

"Now THAT is unnecessary… The Nikki account can go for the baby and everything else we'll figure out, but you are in this… we don't want you to have to work harder than needed."

"The Nikki account?" Kate says, her ear perking up at the mention of her fictional counterpart.

"Dad knew that you wouldn't take all the money for inspiring Nikki Heat, so he made a separate account for you… for whenever you came to your senses or whenever you needed it... or for when the two of you got married and you wanted to go off together and travel or whatever…"

"I thought he would have used that money for the scholarship fund for my mom." Kate says, remembering fondly the day that Castle came to her door telling her that he knew what she would do with a million dollars and then proceeding to help her get there.

"He did… a lot of it… but Kate, I don't think you realize how much he's making off of all this, and not to be morbid, but he's just going to make even more now that he's gone. So each year, he would put a big chunk into the scholarship fund and then he would put the rest in the Nikki account for you."

"When?"

"When the book started making him money… Probably five years ago?"

"We weren't even together then."

"That didn't matter to dad. He had the money from the Derrek Storm novels coming in, so Nikki Heat was extra to him."

Kate thinks about it for a minute. Her family hadn't been poor by any means with two lawyers in the house, but they weren't so well off that money was never an issue. This was venturing into a whole other realm of money.

"We'll do what we need for the baby, but I want it to be set for you and anything that you might need."

"I am set… we'll talk about everything later, but I just wanted you to understand that in my mind… you were it for him… you were going to be it for him and for me and Gram the rest of our lives, so you don't have to worry about anything. Gram and I were actually talking earlier too, which is why I brought it up… we want you to come with us to the lawyer's… we know that you are named in a lot of the paperwork already, but we want to get everything squared away… no arguments."

She smiles down at her, overwhelmed by the feelings of family and care that she hadn't felt for years.

"You know after D.C. your dad told me that I didn't even have to work anymore… I could just stay home."

"You could…" Alexis says knowing the situation.

"I didn't want to then and I probably won't want to now."

Alexis thinks about the statement for a minute, honestly thinking about what this pregnancy was going to mean for Kate's job, "How is this whole having a baby thing going to pan out at the precinct?"

"When I decide to tell them, they are probably going to put me on desk duty and then I'll be on maternity leave."

"When are you going to tell everyone?"

At this question, Kate places her book on the night stand and slides down beside her, knowing that the conversation was just going to exhaust her.

"I want to wait… I want to wait until I can go to the doctor and make sure that everything is okay and I want to wait until I'm past the scary part… Frankly, I don't want anyone to know any time soon."

"Why?"

Kate lets out a huff of breath before explaining her reasoning, "I told you that I don't like letting my feelings out…. I like to process on my own and get everything right in my head… I'm… I'm petrified about going back to work… I know that everyone is going to look at me and see this broken woman who lost her fiancé on the day of her wedding… they're going to talk and they're just going to look at me differently now. If I tell them that I'm pregnant, it just adds another log to the fire. I don't' want that kind of attention."

"Can I tell you something that might change your mind? I mean, I know that you should wait until the doctor sees you and that you should wait for the 12 weeks like they say, but… Kate… Dad would have been over the moon. Like seriously… this house would have been completely baby-proofed like tomorrow and we would have had an entire wardrobe for a boy and a girl within the week. He would have been screaming it from the rooftops. You don't need to hide this…"

"I know…" she says, finally letting the tears that have been threatening to fall, fall completely at the mention of what she knew to be true about Castle. She didn't want to do this without him. She was never going to get to see the look on his face when he told her and he wouldn't be there to hold her hand when she needed it. It wasn't how she pictured… What Alexis was saying… that was what she had in her head, Castle the over-the-top nine year-old on a sugar rush, running from place to place in a baby store with everything they wanted. She would be the one arguing that they didn't need everything he put in the cart and he would turn to her and explain that it was cool and that their baby was going to have everything.

"I would like to come, if I can. Can I?" Alexis asks quietly, snapping Kate out of her thoughts.

"Can you come where?"

"Can I go with you to the doctor? If it would be too weird I won't go, but I know that dad would be there and I don't want you to do this alone and it's my sister in there and I… it would help me feel closer to him."

"Yes… I want you there as many times as you would like to be there…"

"Thanks Kate." Alexis says, a long yawn coming out of her.

"Thank you for letting me be a part of this family, Alexis…"

"Always…" she says, her eyes already closed with sleep, which Kate is grateful for, because the word caused her eyes to flood once again in a silent emotional moment. She makes a mental note to tell the younger Castle about the meaning behind that word some day soon.

* * *

"_She's right you know… about all of it."_

"_About what?" Kate says, turning toward him._

"_I would have screamed from the rooftops that Kate Castle was having my baby."_

_She doesn't respond right away, choosing to just watch his face break into a breathtaking smile._

"_That's the second time you've said that…"_

"_Kate Castle?" he asks and she nods, "I know… Alexis was right about that too. I was so excited that you were going to take my name. I mean, I know that they were probably still going to call you Beckett at work, but I loved that you wanted a part of me with you."_

"_You certainly got that wish in another way…"_

"_I know that the circumstances are different than we both anticipated, but… are you happy?"_

"_Scared, but thrilled… I'm just sorry that he or she won't get to experience you… It's like my mom all over again, people missing out on you…"_

"_Alexis will be there… she'll share all the crazy stories and make sure that she laughs."_

"_You too, huh?"_

"_I have a hunch too." Castle says with a waggle of his eyebrows._

"_It's a girl?" she asks, knowing that he has to have some power over knowing this information._

"_I don't think that is information I'm allowed to share."_

"_Castle… what is this?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_This…" she says, gesturing between the two of them._

"_Oh, yeah, that… I don't know."_

"_But you aren't really here…"_

"_No… not physically… but I'm here…"_

"_I'm going crazy, aren't I?"_

_He laughs then, a loud silly Castle laugh that makes her smile, "Kate, you agreed to marry me of all people… you were certifiable a long time ago."_

* * *

"Kate?" she hears, coming out of her dream.

"Lex?"

"You're smiling… was it a good dream?" she asks, sitting on the edge of the bed, already ready for the day ahead.

Kate stretches with a smile on her face, "the best…"

"Are you excited about today?" Alexis asks, her eyes dancing.

"Is it okay to say that I'm excited, scared, and sad all at the same time?"

Alexis nods, "I hope so, because I'm pretty sure that I'm feeling all three today too."

Kate smiles again, understanding that Alexis really does feel all those things about what was about to happen.

It was almost two weeks ago that they found out Kate was pregnant, and each night she prayed for the baby inside her to be okay, not willing to think about the heartache of losing something else close to her, even if she hadn't gotten to meet him or her yet. Work was the last of thoughts in her mind, and while Alexis and Martha have been supportive of her choice to stay home for a while, they have also been hinting at her need to go back. They could see that she needed that to get back to being herself again.

"After the appointment, can we go by the precinct for a bit?" Kate asks, realizing that they will be just down the street.

Alexis lights up at this, watching Kate get up and make the bed before walking over to the bathroom. "Of course! Are you going to talk to Captain Gates?"

"Honestly, I want to see how I'm going to react being in that space again. I'm worried that it's all going to come back to me… all the cases I solved with your dad… all of the big moments we had there… and I'm worried that it might be too much."

"Okay… so we go, we say hi to the Captain and Lanie and the guys, and you see what you're feeling."

The mention of the plan causes Kate to smile and she walks over to Alexis and wraps her arms around her tightly for a moment before whispering in her ear, "You really are the best kid someone could ever have. Your dad would be so proud of you."

"Thanks Kate." She says, just as quietly, soaking in the moment of the loving arms around her.

"I'm going to shower and I want to swing by that bagel place before the doctor. Do we have time?"

"We do if you hurry!" Alexis says, shooing her back towards the bathroom and walking out to wait for her in the kitchen.

* * *

"Katherine Beckett?" the nurse calls out to her and she stands with Alexis close behind her.

"Oh, and are we having a guest?"

"If I can, please." Kate says, eyeing the nurse nervously.

"You know what… for this first part, she may want to wait outside, but then we'll have her come back in for the fun stuff."

"Is that okay?" she turns to Alexis.

"Whatever you need."

"Yeah, that sounds good." she says, turning back to the nurse before following her through the maze of the office.

"So, tell me what brings you in?"

"I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant… I um… there was a lot of stress initially, so I wanted to make sure that everything was still okay. I don't know how far along I am…"

The nurse doesn't look up from the computer as she's inputting information and running through blood pressure checks and temperature checks and everything that they had to do. "Okay, can you define stress?"

"My fiancé… he um… he passed away." She says, looking down at her twisting hands. "and I'm a detective… and I was still on the case and I wasn't eating or sleeping much, so I'm worried that I—"

"Kate." The nurse says with a gentle hand to her knee. "We're going to check on everything for you, okay. Let's see what's going on. As far as I can tell right now, all your vitals are good. I'm going to get the doctor in here in just a minute and then she'll do the internal exam first and then we'll bring in the ultrasound to take a look around."

"Is that when Alexis can come back in?"

"She can certainly be here for that. Now, you get in the gown and I'll take care of the rest for you." She says, standing up after giving Kate a reassuring squeeze and going in search of the doctor.

When the doctor comes in, she's all smiles, having known Kate for years as a regular patient. "Kate, I'm happy to see you, however I didn't expect to see you so soon with this kind of news."

"Yeah…"

Before she starts her exam, the doctor comes up to stand next to Kate's shoulder, resting her hand there for a moment before starting, "I was a big fan of your fiancé's, and I'm sorry to hear about your loss… anything that I can do to make this easier for you is what I'm going to do. I lost my husband years ago, and I remember the looks and the whispers… I get it, Kate. So this is the last time I mention it, but I want you to know that we are going to get you through anything that happens with this pregnancy so we can deliver a beautiful memory for you. "

"Thank you." Kate replies with a grateful smile.

When the doctor is finished with the internal exam she walks out to grab the ultrasound machine, alerting the nurse waiting outside.

"Ms. Beckett, do you want me to grab your daughter?" she asks innocently, not understanding the implications of the statement.

Kate nods after a second, "Please."

"All right let's get this ready then… we're going to meet baby Castle in a few minutes… are you excited?" she says, trying to help her through what she knew had to be a hard moment to bear.

"I am… I'll be better when I know that everything is okay."

"Kate, I have no reason to believe otherwise…"

"Hey…" she hears over her shoulder at the open doorway.

"All right, now that your daughter has arrived, let's get this movie started." The doctor says with a smile, squirting some gel onto Kate's lower abdomen and starting to explain something that Kate can't hear.

Frankly, all her focus is on the screen the moment Alexis clasped their hands together, and even though she doesn't know about anything that she is seeing, her eyes can't seem to tear away.

"Okay, now that I'm moving around here you can start to see where the uterus is expanding, and here we go…" she says, flipping a switch on the machine, making the pulsing, rushing sound of the baby's heartbeat fill the room. "… that… is your baby's heartbeat."

"It's so fast." Alexis says, awed by the sight in front of her and the sounds filling her ears.

"Totally normal, I assure you… baby looks good…" she says as she starts to point out various parts for them to see, "that pulsing dot is the heart, here's the head, the arms are here, and the legs are right down here."

"That's amazing…" Kate adds, still not being able to tear her eyes from the screen. "Can you tell if it is a boy or a girl yet?"

"Not yet… You'll have to wait a bit longer for that… But looking at the size of the fetus right now, I would say that you are around 10 weeks pregnant."

"and everything is okay? When Castle was missing I wasn't eating… I wasn't sleeping… I was trying to work the case… I didn't do anything to hurt the baby, did I?"

"Honestly… babies are more resilient than most think. Unless you were abusing heavy drugs and alcohol, I'm not too concerned. What I see here is a healthy baby… so now… you need to get on prenatal vitamins, you need to keep up your exercise routine but with less effort, keep the stress level down, eat, sleep, and see me in a few more weeks." The doctor says, looking both at Kate and Alexis while giving out instructions.

"I'll make sure that all those things happen." Alexis says with an assuring nod toward the doctor.

"I know… that's why I said it while you were in here. I'm going to have a few of these images printed off and give you two a minute. See the receptionist up front to set up another appointment with me, and we'll go from there."

"Thank you." Kate says, smiling at the doctor before turning back to the frozen image on the screen of the machine.

"How are you feeling now?" Alexis asks, noting that Kate wasn't moving to get ready for their departure.

She hears a shaky breath before hearing the quiet response, "Unworthy…"

"No… you can't feel that… You are going to be the best mom ever for this baby. In fact, I'm jealous… I wish you had been there when I was little… you and dad together then would have been amazing."

"We wouldn't have been near what we are… were… today."

"Are…" she says, assuring Kate that she and her father still do have something special, "you still love him, Kate… and this baby is very much a present day thing and very much evidence of that love. Get dressed and let's grab something to eat before dropping by the precinct."

"Actually, why don't you call Lanie and see if she and the guys can figure out something they would want for lunch. We can bring it to them when we visit. It'll give me a distraction if I need it." Kate suggests, sitting up and moving towards her pile of clothing.

"I'll do that and you can meet me outside!" Alexis says with a smile.

When Kate comes out a few minutes later, she hands Alexis an envelope.

"What's this?"

"I thought you might want a picture to commemorate the day… I got one for Martha too."

"Thank you, Kate… and the other one I think we should put on the fridge, that way we can see her all the time."

Kate raises an eyebrow in her direction, "Her again, huh?"

"Like I said… It's a hunch."

"Yeah, well, another daughter might be nice, and I have it on good authority that your hunch may be correct." She says, but doesn't continue, which causes Alexis to cast a questioning glance at the detective who doesn't see the odd look at the good authority comment.

* * *

"Hey Boss! Little Castle…" Espo says, being the first one to see Kate and Alexis come out of the elevator.

"Hey Espo… Ryan… we brought you guys lunch. You want us to set up in the break room?" Alexis asks, holding up the food bags.

"Yeah, let's help you with that…" Ryan says, looking over to see Kate glancing toward her desk.

"Kate?"

"I'll be there in a sec, Lex." She says, not taking her eyes off the chair that sat beside her desk for years.

Alexis sees the hesitation in her, knows that something's wrong just by the tone in her voice. When she starts to turn towards Kate, it's Esposito that grabs onto her elbow, "She's processing… It… it was your dad's chair… always sat right next to her desk… give her a minute to process."

She nods in response and after casting another worried glance towards Kate, moves into the break room to help set up food for everyone.

Kate moves to sit down at her desk, dragging a finger across the top of Castle's chair while placing a hand softly over her stomach when she does so. She knew that when she walked through those doors, it was going to be hard. She didn't know that she would feel like this though… this all-consuming sadness at the realization that someone you shared most of your days and all of your nights with was suddenly gone.

"We might bolt the chair to the ground… we could if you would like." The captain says, with a smirk, coming out of her office to stand near Kate's desk.

Kate wipes the tears that had fallen quickly away before looking up at her, "I'm sorry. I didn't think…"

"Detective Beckett, everything that you are feeling right now is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. You loved the man… I don't know how because he tested my patience on a regular basis, but you loved him."

She laughs at this, knowing that Gates was just trying to make her feel better, "Well, he tested my patience too… If you would have been around the first year of our partnership you never would have guessed that we would end up together."

"Somehow, I doubt that…" Gates replies, knowing only bits and pieces of the couple's history, and always hearing stories of the two of them from well before her time at the 12th.

"When they decided to let him shadow me, he had to sign all these waivers, basically a bunch of paperwork that protected the city if anything were to happen to him… I remember watching him sign the papers and the lawyer told him that if he got shot, he couldn't sue the city… my response to that was to ask if I had to wait for him to sign the papers before I could shoot him."

"So it wasn't love at first sight…"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure that it was… Even though I hated that he shadowed me… I loved that he thought that highly of me and I loved the playfulness and wonder he brought back to my job."

"He was good for this team, Kate. He was good for you."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me…Have you found anything that is going to be an issue for pinning this on Bracken?" she asks, wanting to know how things were proceeding with the case against the senator. She also wanted to stop the line of commentary and questions.

"You don't need to worry about that, we've got it covered…" Gates assures her.

Kate nods, pausing for a minute before glancing over at the murder board for a moment, "What's the case?" she asks, cocking her head toward the board.

"Young girl shot, can't figure out who did it." Gates says, watching as Kate's eyes narrow as she approaches the board. The captain had heard of Detective Beckett and her team before she came to work there, was always impressed by the younger cop. If she was being honest, she loved watching the woman work… seeing the questions and connections form as she looked into a case the way she did. She knew that she loved what she did, despite the horror and tragedy that surrounded it on a daily basis.

"Why was she there?" she asks after analyzing the board for a moment.

"What do you mean?"

"It was the middle of the day and her uniform is for Langley Prep… that's on the other side of the city. How did she even get there?"

"Friends say that she left for lunch since they have an open campus."

Kate shakes her head, "Time of death is between 10:00 AM and Noon. It would have taken her at least an hour to get over there, so how did she get there that quickly if she left during her lunch hour? Someone's covering for her… one of her friends."

"I'll tell that to Ryan and Esposito… Kate… when do you want to come back?" she asks, knowing by the way the younger detective studied the murder board, that part of her wanted to be back.

"I don't know."

"The door is open, detective… you can come back to tomorrow if you wanted."

Kate turns towards her with a thoughtful look, pondering the idea of coming back and working cases again.

"I'm worried that I'm going to break down in the middle of a case."

"Detectives do that all the time… we have hard cases, hard days… it's the job… sometimes it sucks. From what you just did, the way your eyes scanned the board… you're ready to come back. It's going to be hard, but I think you're ready. However I will support if you want to stay home for a few more weeks."

She thinks about the offer again, and realizes that just a few weeks later, she was going to have to tell the Captain about baby Castle, and that was going to change everything all over again. The Captain needed to know.

"Can we… um… can we talk in your office for a moment?"

"Of course." Gates says, leading her into the office and shutting the door behind her as she watches Kate sit in one of the chairs across from her desk.

The Captain opts to sit next to her instead of in her normal place, which throws Kate off a bit. She knew that the older woman did it as a gesture of giving her a level and supportive playing ground, but no matter the seating arrangements, this was going to be difficult for her.

"I do want to come back… I want to come back soon, and I think that you are right about me being ready. Alexis and Martha have been trying to subtly hint at it the past week or so, but… I um… you need to know something before I come back."

"You're pregnant." Gates says simply after taking in the nervous fidget that the detective displayed and the moisture that gathered in her eyes but didn't fall.

It was confirmed by a nod from the younger woman and the Captain went into the details of what would be Kate's new role, "All right Detective… this may actually be a great way to ease you in. You aren't going to be on desk duty per se, you're my best detective. However, I can't have you going to crime scenes or anything like that. You will solve murders with your team, but you'll do it while getting all your information right here in the building."

"I don't want the guys to know yet."

The Captain thinks on that for a moment before responding, "While I understand the want to keep this to yourself, I do think that it is in your best interest to have them on your side with this. You want them to be able to be there for you, Kate…"

"I know that, I just want to get past the first trimester and I want to get settled back in here before everyone finds out."

Letting out a sigh, Gates continues, "I can play the need for you staying in the building as a restriction of your coming back to work. We can tell them that this was my way of easing you back into the job. However, when they start getting testy because you can't go to a crime scene, you are going to have to explain to them the situation."

"Yes, Sir. I will do that."

"When would you like to start, detective?"

"Monday?" Kate asks with a shrug of her shoulders thinking that having another two days and the weekend to really make sure she was ready would be plenty of time.

"That works for me… now go tell your team that you're coming back next week." She says with a smile, signaling to Kate to stand and make her way out of the office.

"And detective… I know that this must be a hard situation to be in, but congratulations on the news… I have a feeling that Mr. Castle would have been very excited about it."

"He would have… thank you."

As Kate leaves, the captain stands from her spot, going to sink into her chair. She makes it a point to get to know all of her people. This was true with Kate Beckett as she looked into everything surrounding her mother's death, then later the people that were killed as a result of that, then the detective's own shooting. She had been dealt a series of very bad hands in life and came through them with a grace and an air about her that astonished the older cop. This though… this was unfair, and as the older woman sat down to think about the situation, she wiped at a tear forming at the corner of her eye. She didn't want the iron to rust…


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Thank you to all who are reading this fic and sticking with it… again… I know how hard the character death stories are, and I'm so overwhelmed by how many people are reading in spite of that fact! Review if you would like it… this chapter has some good "boy" action… cause I love me some Ryan and Espo!**

"_I'm glad you're going back…" he says, brushing a hand lightly up and down her arm._

"_I'm worried that I'm going to freak out."_

"_You won't… you may have a moment or two, but I think that it will be okay…. Captain Gates was right about the baby though, Kate… you should tell the guys."_

_She shakes her head then, "I don't want anything to jinx it."_

"_Kate, the doctor said that everything was fine, you've been doing everything you need to… it's going to be okay."_

_Her lip quivers at that, not wanting to show him the fear, but not being able to help it either. "Castle… what if something happens?"_

"_Kate… you can't let yourself go there."_

"_Yes… I can." She says, letting the tears flow freely now, "Castle, I spent years of my life mourning my mother, and then Montgomery… I watched my father drink himself into a hole, and now I lost the love of my life because of this greater cause… I thought that you and I getting married was the end of this misery… I was finally going to get a happy ending… I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop…"_

"_Not with this, Kate… enjoy every minute of this because it's amazing. There is a tiny little being in there that is you and me and everything we wanted from our future. That is something to love and cherish and be so excited about! I can't wait to see your face when the little bump shows for the first time, or the first time you feel her move. Kate she is going to be so beautiful…"_

_The tears had stopped and a small smile was present on her face when she thought of his words. He was right, but it was so hard._

"_Enjoy it for me, Kate…I can't be there, so enjoy it for me."_

* * *

"Katherine… are you okay?" she hears faintly, while feeling a hand resting on her cheek.

"I'm… I'm… oh God… I'm going to be sick." She says, sitting up in bed quickly and shooting Martha a panicked look before running to the bathroom.

She was right behind her, grabbing onto her hair and rubbing her back while she lost what they ate last night for a few minutes.

"So… how's my little grandbaby doing?" Martha asks with a smirk when Kate sits down with her back against the bathtub.

"Funny…", she says with a deadpan expression. She hadn't had that much experience with any of the morning sickness, usually just having some nausea every now and then during the day and the desire to avoid certain foods more often… actually losing it wasn't that common of an occurance.

"I take it that you don't want the breakfast that we made you this morning?"

"Depends… is there meat or eggs?" she asks, and Martha raises an eyebrow.

"Yes… and toast and pancakes."

"Toast…" she says, after scrunching her nose at the list of breakfast items. "all I want is toast."

"Okay… clean yourself up and meet us in the kitchen! Alexis and I want to make sure that you make it to work okay on your first day back!" she says with such enthusiasm that Kate can almost see Castle and Martha on Alexis' first day of school or first day of anything… she can tell that the excitement was something contagious in the family.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes then." She says with a small smile.

"Oh… and Katherine?… Earlier…are you okay?" Martha stops and asks once she is halfway out of the bathroom.

Kate looks up with a confused expression.

"When I came to wake you up, you… you were crying in your sleep."

"I… uh… I was having a moment in one of my dreams… a little panic…"

Martha turns back into the room, "The baby?"

Kate nods.

"When I found out I was pregnant with Richard, I was… well… I was in a constant state of panic. I told you this… but you have forgotten in the past weeks!"

"Really?"

"Oh heavens yes… the idea that there was something growing inside of me that I was responsible for actually bringing into the world and caring for without totally screwing up… yes I panicked! And I… like you… though the circumstances were far from the same… was doing it alone. My parents wanted nothing to do with me and the baby and I was working on my acting career and not sure I was going to be able to support him… all these things went through my head, along with the occasional panic about my body never being the same again and looking like a whale while I was pregnant."

Kate laughs then, knowing that Martha must have been ten times more dramatic while she was pregnant than she was now, which says a great deal.

"Now… Katherine, the way I look at it… the situation is totally different because you don't have to worry about how to support this baby and you don't ever have to worry about doing it all alone. Alexis and I are here for you and I'm sure that the boys and Lanie will be there for everything along with your father. You have a support system here that I envy, and I know that you wanted to do this with Richard and it is going to be harder without him, but there is no need to panic. You should enjoy it! I actually did love being pregnant once the morning sickness subsided and I could eat like a normal human being again. After that it was amazing… Now… get ready and come join us for a bite to eat and we will take you to the precinct for your first day back."

"Martha, you guys don't have to take me." Kate says with a laugh while standing up and starting the process of getting ready.

"Oh darling, of course we do! It's a big day!" she says, gesturing in that Martha way with her hands raised and a smile on her face.

* * *

She steps off the elevator with a smile on her face, which isn't what she anticipated when she woke up worried about her first day back. Martha and Alexis had dropped her off right in front of the precinct assuring her that if she needed anything during the day, she was to call them and they would be there in an instant. Then, with a hug from both, Kate stepped out of the town car and onto the front steps of the twelfth.

However, the smile is short lived and replaced with something entirely different when she sees her desk, sitting there empty with Castle's chair beside it and a to go cup she assumes is filled with coffee sitting on top. She knows why they did it, and thinks the world of her team for it, but it causes a swirling of emotions in her that she wasn't expecting right away that morning.

"We shouldn't have done it… damn it Espo, I told you it was a bad idea!" Ryan says, when he rounds the corner and sees the look on Beckett's face as she approaches her desk.

"I'm sorry, Beckett… we'll—" Espo says, reaching for the cup.

"No! You guys… it's perfect. It was very thoughtful of you. I didn't think that I would ever cry over a cup of coffee before, but it… it means a lot."

"We just… we want you to know that even though Castle's gone, he's here in spirit and we are going to try to fill his shoes in every way possible…"

Her eyebrow rises at this when she notices the smirk on Espo's face as he says it.

"Yes… we vow to suspect the CIA and secret government spies for every murder in broad daylight… and we vow to suspect zombies or werewolves in any evening murder." Ryan starts.

"We will stare at you while you do paperwork and never do any of our own."

"We will make sure that you always have a cup of hot coffee on your desk in the morning… though we don't know how he ever did that heart thing on the top…"

When Kate's eyebrow raises, Espo gestures toward her, "yeah, don't think we never noticed all of those cutesy little things you guys tried to get away with."

"Also… even if you tell us, we will never stay in the car when you ask us to… and we will frequently make inappropriate handcuff jokes."

She's laughing now, realizing how much the guys paid attention to everything that Castle did on a regular basis. When they step towards her though, the smiles on their faces fading for a moment, each of them places a hand on her shoulder. She knows that whatever they are about to say is something important to them and would have meant a lot to Castle, so she bows her head to take in the moment.

"Most importantly, Beckett… Kate… we will have your back. We will always be there and we will always protect you…"

"Just like dad did…" Espo adds, and Kate looks up with a watery smile remembering the mom and dad nicknames that the boys bestowed on them years ago.

"All of it… thank you… I know that you guys are going to miss him too, but it… it means a lot to me to know that you get it… minus the whole paperwork thing… you aren't getting out of the paperwork." she adds, and the smile on her face grows.

"Detectives?" they hear from the side of the bullpen and look up to see the Captain leaning up against a pillar taking in the scene.

"Sir?" Beckett says, walking towards her.

"Why don't we come into my office for a few minutes so we can talk about what I need from you?"

The three follow her in and stand in front of her as she explains that Kate coming back is something that they are going to take a day at a time. She mentions that she and Kate already talked about everything and that the senior detective would remain at the precinct during their investigations to ease her into things at work.

"Sir, Beckett can read a crime scene better than anyone… it would be—"

"Guys, the captain and I already talked about this, and I agreed with her. I don't know if I'm totally ready to be full on back into this. I… it was my request to stay here. Interrogations and research are going to be me now… you guys have done a lot of that while Castle and I took the lead… now it's your turn to let me help you behind the scenes."

After a few moments the two men nod in her direction before turning their gaze back to the Captain.

"Now, if Detective Beckett feels the need to leave the precinct for something regarding a case, I expect that one of the two of you will be there to back her up in that. However… Detective Beckett, I want anything like that cleared by me first."

Kate nods her agreement, knowing that Gates was just trying to make sure that she was going to be safe with the baby and everything that was going on.

"All right… then why don't you gentleman let Detective Beckett in on the case you just closed and let her get settled back in until we get the call."

They all exit Gates' office and the guys fill her in on a few of the cases from the past few weeks she was gone. It felt good for her to be back on both sides. The guys felt like things we almost back to normal after everything that happened and Kate felt like she could maybe see a bit of normalcy returning or at least the possibility of it.

* * *

"I brought food!" Lanie says, a few hours later, walking through the bullpen with her hands full of bags.

"Lanie, you're the best!" Ryan says from his spot when he sees her head towards the break room.

"I wasn't going to let my girl come back to work without being brought some lunch on her first day!" Lanie replies, getting a small smile out of Kate, who followed her friend into the break room.

After she put the bags down and the guys were busy picking through everything she brought, Lanie took Kate aside for a moment.

"How are you?"

Kate nods, "It's actually really good to be back. I thought that it was going to be kind of a rollercoaster, and I was right, but there have been a lot more ups than downs."

"And how are the two clowns treating you?" she asks, gesturing over to the boys sitting at the table.

"I don't think that I could have asked for a better team. Yeah… one of us is missing now, but these guys are going to help me get through that."

"Good… now… let's eat." Lanie says with a squeeze to Kate's shoulder as she moves past her towards the guys.

The smell of the food hit her immediately after Lanie walked away, and it hit her in a way that caused her stomach to lurch and her face to lose a little bit of color.

"I got your favorite, Kate! Remy's burgers and cheese fries… and I think I even got some extra cheese around here somewhere." Lanie says, not glancing up from the table.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom first." She says quickly, walking out of the break room and practically running into Gates.

"Woah, detective… you okay?" she asks before really looking at her.

However, when she does, she puts a hand to the small of the younger woman's back and guides her to the closest restroom.

This was not how she was intending on spending any of her first day back, kneeling in front of a toilet at the precinct while her captain holds her hair back and guards the door. She was thankful she had avoided this whole morning sickness thing since she found out, but with this morning and right now she's thinking that going back to work upset the system.

"Have you felt sick all day?"

Kate shakes her head when she stands up after a few minutes, "I got sick this morning, but I've been fine until I smelt the food. I can't stand the thought of anything with meat today."

"I couldn't eat anything green when I was pregnant with my first daughter."

"Green?"

"Salads, apples, kiwis… I would just have to see it and it would make me dry heave. It was terrible."

She laughs at that, "I've actually been fine. Today was really the first day that I got sick since the day of the funeral. I've had a bit of nausea every now and then, but nothing this bad."

"It's a change in the routine. Your body is probably reacting to the emotions of the day. Hopefully it will pass."

"Yeah…"

"Say the word, detective, and I can tell them that Alexis needed you home."

"No… I can stay, I just don't know how to explain my not being able to eat what brought me."

"How about you tell them the truth?"

"No… not yet."

Gates narrows her eyes in Kate's direction, still wanting her to let the rest of her team in on her delicate condition. "Then you go in, you eat the fries, and you tell them that you aren't feeling like eating it… that's not something they will raise any questions about."

Kate nods, thinking that she would do just that, and then thinks about what just transpired between the two women.

"Listen… thank you… for… for this, for everything with Bracken, for letting Castle stay… for all of it."

"Well… while this might not help the 'Iron Gates' rumor mill, I wouldn't have it any other way Detective."

"I personally could have avoided the whole retching into a toilet thing, but I'm glad that you enjoyed it." Kate says with a smirk, that causes Gates to let out a small laugh.

It was small things like that, or the way that she heard her tease the boys back about the paperwork comment that led Gates to believe that Kate Beckett was on the right track. She was ready to be back and she was slowly making progress toward what would be her new normal.

* * *

She should have stayed behind… should have made the decision to stay at the precinct, but she knew that there was something else to this murder and Espo had explained the situation as needing a female officer and she was the one that he trusted the most.… but there was something more.

"We've got him Beckett, we knew that he was in there and we're going to get him for what he did to that girl." Espo says, looking toward the house where their suspect had been from behind the blockade of cop vehicles.

"Espo, something isn't right about this though… I'm not questioning that he's our guy… I'm not questioning that he worked alone, but that girl had more to say… she just wasn't saying it. We got him… we got our killer, but something is off."

The man had been caught in the act… They went for the take down and only because of the situation was Kate called to the scene right after it happened. She was grateful she was there, because the girl that Nolan Raider was attempting to rape and murder wouldn't talk to any of the male officers… wouldn't let them come anywhere near her. When Kate came, the young girl, only sixteen years old ran to the older woman without a thought. It took all that she had to keep it together in front of the young victim, getting the situation told to her as she was being driven to the scene by another uniform from the 12th.

"What do you think is going on?"

"He killed one girl… was about to kill her… but when you look in the system, these two were missing for a few weeks… she was afraid for something else."

It was then that she notices the double doors facing downward towards the back right of the house, a storm cellar or basement that they hadn't searched. They found the guy, so why the need to search.

"Did they search the whole house? Basement?"

"We didn't have to when we went in cause we found the guy right away… ask one of the other uniforms."

She makes her way over to one of the other guys, asking him about the scene, and finding out that the whole house was not searched yet.

"Basement first… go now." She says, directing Espo and Ryan over to them with a raised hand.

"Go with them… clear the scene and let me know if you find something." She directs towards her guys.

They both nod, and she is again forced to stay behind the vehicles. Gates had barely okayed her being on the scene, so she wasn't about to start breaking the rules.

Ryan's scream of her name, however, caused her to run toward the building at top speed, where she met Espo running out and screaming for more ambulances to be called.

There were three other girls, ranging in age, but still in their teenage years, shackled to the walls in the most barbaric of images she had ever seen. When any officers went to release them before the medics arrived, they would scream, a sound that Kate knows is going to haunt her for some years to come.

It fell to her then, as she looked to Ryan from her spot telling him to get Espo on the radio to only get female medics on the scene.

She approached the first girl, the one who appeared youngest to her, "Hi, my name is Kate… I'm a police officer and I'm here to help you. You're safe now, and we want to get you out of here. Can I come cut these chains so we can do that?"

"He'll come back… you have to leave." The young girl says with a shaky voice, looking towards Kate with wide eyes.

"He won't come back. We got him. We saved your friend… we saved Mara and she is on her way to the hospital… that's where we're going to take you, and we're going to call your family and they'll meet us there… can I come help you?"

"Are you sure he's gone?" she hears from the girl to her right.

"He's gone. You can trust me."

The one she initially started talking to nods her head and Kate struggles to cut through the chain with the bolt cutters, the angle odd and hard to navigate.

"What's your name?"

"Maddie… Maddie Peterson."

"Okay… Maddie, I'm having a hard time with this… can I have my friend Kevin come help me with it? He's been my friend for a very long time and he's almost like a brother to me… you can trust him just like you can trust me. I can't do this alone, so can he help me?"

She looks over Kate's shoulder for a second before whispering a silent yes, causing Kate to glance back at Ryan to have him come help.

It takes them about fifteen minutes to cut the chains from each of the girls, and Espo returns with sets of keys to try on the locks of the bands attached to their hands after Ryan had called up to have the officers look for sets of keys that might go for different locks. Handing them off to Kate and Ryan, they are able to get the girls out of them quickly.

"The press caught on to where the house was… what do you want me to do?" Espo asks.

"You tell them to get the hell out of here, or I'll arrest them on obstruction of justice." She says, with a fiery whisper that causes him to step back.

* * *

It's nearly two hours later that she gets back to the precinct, having gone to the hospital to see each girl while Ryan and Espo worked on the paperwork for the case. She needed to see that each girl was okay, and was able to assure each of their parents that the man that did this was going away for a long time… for life if she had anything to say about it.

"Beckett!" Ryan says, seeing her step off the elevator.

"Hey." She says, subdued after the long day.

"How are they?"

"They…. They just…are…" she says with a shrug. "It's going to take a lot to get them back to normal. We need to make sure this guy goes away forever… no possibility for parole or shortened time for good behavior… he needs to be completely gone."

"We will… we are having CSU scan the floors and take samples of everything… trying to make sure there weren't other girls."

"I think that after a little bit I'll go back and talk to them too… see if they remember any other girls aside from the first vic we found and the one we caught him in the act of…. They may be able to shed light on something, but I want to give them some time."

"Rape?"

"No… Aside from chaining them up down there, there wasn't any evidence suggesting that he touched any of them… a small blessing."

"God..." Ryan says, wiping at his face to compose himself before sinking down in his chair with a thump and tears in the corner of his eyes. "All I can do is imagine Sarah Grace… imagine something like—"

"Don't do it bro… you can't think like that… This is why we do what we do… so sick bastards like this can't do this again…" Espo says, patting Ryan on the back.

Kate had stepped off to the side when Ryan had started to speak, thinking about the unborn child growing inside her and having the same thoughts but not being able to share them.

"Detective Beckett, a moment?" Gates says, coming out of her office after seeing Kate step off and appear to struggle with a moment.

"Sir?" she says, walking into the office and standing in front of the Captain's desk as she sat back down.

"Detective, I think I made a mistake in letting you go to that scene."

"Sir, someone had to do it. Those girls… if you could have seen their faces when one of the male officers tried to go anywhere near them. They screamed… they… they were so scared. I was the only one that could get near them."

"This is what I was told… you were a valuable asset today Detective."

"I stayed behind until the scene was cleared and I was called down, sir."

"I know you did. You followed the rules… but I still think that maybe that wasn't the best idea on my part, so I apologize."

"I'm fine."

"Take tomorrow."

"Sir, I—"

"It's an order… go take Miss Castle to a movie, sit on the couch with her and eat popcorn all day… I don't want to see you here tomorrow."

Kate thinks on it for a moment, knowing where the Captain was coming from and thinking about how the day off would actually be a good idea once she was able to sit down and think about everything that happened that day. Once the dust settled, she had a feeling she would have a hard time with everything.

She stands up then, thanking Gates and walking back out to the bullpen where she grabs her bag and tells the boys that she'll see them later.

"See you tomorrow, boss." Ryan says.

She turns back then, "I'm taking tomorrow off guys, I'll see you on Thursday."

"You deserve it, Beckett. You… you were awesome today." Espo says, and a small smile shows on her face before she turns back towards the elevators to leave for the day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Here is another installment of this fic. I'm so glad that so many of you are sticking with this fanfic! It really is becoming a fun one to write for me and I know that it's a little outside the box… review if you enjoy!**

"_This one was hard for you… I'm sorry that I wasn't there." He says resting his head next to hers on the pillow and wiping away the tears she shed._

"_I wasn't expecting such a hard case this quick. I thought that the fates would give me some easy ones in a row, but this… Castle, he took those girls… if we wouldn't have caught him in the act after that first murder we caught, we wouldn't have known about the others…. They were… God, they were tied up in that basement… one of them for months."_

"_I still can't believe that Gates cleared you to go to that scene… of all scenes."_

"_The guy was caught, it was no danger to me."_

_He shakes his head, "I know it was no danger to you, Kate, but it affected you."_

"_Castle, this is my job… we've seen stuff like this before. We've seen people beaten and bruised… we've caught serial killers before."_

"_I know… I just… things are different now, Kate."_

"_Meaning what?" she asks, pulling away from him a bit to look at his expression more._

"_Meaning that maybe you should take a step back… cut back the hours… cut back the time in this dark place."_

"_Castle, are you seriously going to pick a fight with me in my dreams?" she asks._

"_Kate, you wouldn't be dreaming it, if you didn't think of it yourself. You started this…"_

"_No… you started this… you started this when you told me a year ago that I could stop working."_

"_Okay, but you could, Kate. You could stop whenever you want and you would want for nothing. Alexis told you that and so did the lawyer."_

_She takes a few deep breaths before she lays out her argument, "Rick, I have spent the greater part of my life as a police officer, working to catch the bad guys. It's part of who I am and it is one of the reasons that you fell in love with me."_

"_I don't argue that fact." He adds before she continues._

"_I know you don't… and you have to understand that part of this is for our child… well, it wasn't initially… it was for all of them. I lost my mom and it took hold of me like nothing else could. It made me want to put murderers behind bars so kids didn't have to lose their parents… parents didn't have to lose their children… brothers never had to lose their sisters. I want that for our kid, Castle. I want to rid the city, the world, of these people."_

"_Kate, you are just one person. I fancy calling you superwoman, but even I know you have bounds to your powers. You can't get rid of all of it."_

_She laughs, "I know that, Castle… My job… it makes me feel good, even on the hard days, the idea that I stopped that guy… finding those three girls and returning them to their parents… that's why I do what I do, and I don't want to stop."_

"_And when the baby's born?"_

"_Then I might have a completely different view of the universe."_

"_You will…. Trust me." He smiles back at her and she returns it._

"_Will you hate me if I keep working? Even after the baby is born, if I decide to keep going…"_

"_No… of course not… but don't let yourself get sucked in, Kate. You let it happen with this case… it's the way you function at the precinct, and I worry about you when you do that."_

"_I know you do."_

"_And you need to tell the guys… you need to let them know about the baby so they can watch after you the way that I would have. What Ryan was saying today about Sarah Grace… I know that you were feeling the same thing about the baby, and I know that it was killing you to not say something to him… to comfort him."_

"_I don't want them to think I'm weak." She finally admits… revealing for the first time the major issue she had with being pregnant or with letting others know that she was pregnant._

"_Kate, honey, those guys will never think you are weak… they may baby you and dote on you a bit while you're pregnant, but that's because they love you and they're going to love this baby… it's not because they think you're weak. You heard Espo… you were awesome on that case."_

"_I don't want the stares and the pity."_

"_This isn't something that you're going to be able to hide. You're almost 15 weeks pregnant… you already can't button all your pants."_

"_You saw that, huh?" she asks, placing a hand on her bump that magically seemed to appear overnight about a week ago._

"_I loved every second of your rant in the closet yesterday morning, by the way."_

"_Castle, you suck." She laughs a bit._

"_I also like the smile that came to your face the first time you couldn't button said pants… I know that you're annoyed now, but that first time… the smile lit up your face, Kate, and you were beautiful."_

_She ducks her head at that statement, knowing that what he said about smiling the first time she couldn't button her pants was true. She loved every second of it the first time._

"_Kate, you're gorgeous, and you aren't going to be able to keep that baby hidden much longer under your button-ups and blazers."_

"_So I tell them…"_

"_You tell them… and then you watch the guys fight over the godfather status."_

_She rolls her eyes then, knowing that what he's saying is totally true. The boys were going to be horrible._

"_Martha's taking me shopping this weekend…. I don't know how I'm going to feel about that."_

"_I know that it isn't your mom, Kate, but my mother loves you just as if you were her own… you have to know that. Let her spoil you."_

_Kate smiles, "I do know that, and I will."_

"_You deserve it… and that baby deserves to be shown… tell them soon."_

* * *

She wakes with a smile the morning she decides to tell them, finally taking Castle's advice after their "conversation" a few days previous. If she admits it to herself she was excited, thinking about letting the other half of her family know about the baby. Her dad was off in Europe, so he still didn't know yet, but she would find the time to tell him right when he got back. But these guys… they were family to her too, family to Castle… This was going to be big.

When she steps into her closet that morning, she opts for a pair of pants that sit low on her hips and grabs a hair tie to weave into the button hole like she saw on the website she looked up last week when sucking it in wasn't solving the problem of her ever-expanding waist-line.

Her next choice is a tighter fitting blouse with 3/4 length sleeves and a v-neck that she's worn many times before. However, her new form tends to make the fabric stretch a bit more in certain areas, which was the goal she had for this afternoon. She was going to wait until they said something… or until she couldn't stand the stares from the boys that were sure to happen.

She put a black blazer over top and planned on taking it off whenever she finally got up the nerve to carry out her mission.

The boys called her just as she was stepping out of the loft to tell her that they had a body drop and they would meet her back at the precinct in a few hours.

She decided that she could use the time to catch up on a few things of paperwork and then also thought that it would give her time to work up the nerve to take the blazer off and get the tongues around the twelfth wagging about her surprise.

* * *

It didn't take them even a minute to not be able to meet her eyes, which caused the smirk on her face to grow. This was going to be way more fun than she anticipated. Blazer hung on the back of her chair, she watched as both men struggled to find words.

"So, what's the situation?" she asks, holding back a laugh when his wide eyes meet hers for the first time.

"Oh… uh…" Ryan starts, looking up to meet her eyes after taking a few seconds to cast a glance at her mid-section, "there were two vics. Lanie says that both of them were shot point blank in the stomach from the front."

"From the front? That's gotta be personal."

"Yeah, that's what we thought, and whoever did this was calm as he did it… it almost looked like they were ready for it."

"No weapon found on the scene?" she directs the question at Espo, who blushes at being caught with his gaze elsewhere.

"Oh! No… no weapon, so it wasn't a murder-suicide thing. We thought that it could be with how slick the whole thing looks, but they weren't facing each other, they had to be facing the killer, and… no weapon."

"Have Lanie run a drug test for anything that would have caused our victims to be so calm while faced with their demise."

"Yeah… uh… and maybe you could find out more about our vics while we do that?" Ryan suggests and Kate sits down with an affirmative nod.

She notices how the guys automatically converge on each other and watches as Espo takes his phone out and starts frantically texting on his phone.

The whole thing actually has her giddy, which was totally out of character for her. Telling Alexis and Martha was one thing, but these guys had known her longer and in such a different way… it was something that she found herself looking forward to more than she had thought early on.

She knew it was a good idea then, knowing that the excitement that they would show was exactly what she needed… it made her smile as she started the searches on her computer.

* * *

"Got the results of that blood test and have more information on our victim." Kate hears from her best friend walking into the bullpen.

"We could have come down to get it, Lanie, you didn't have to come up here for that." She says to her friend, still sitting at her desk, acting casual.

"Yeah, well, I needed to stretch my legs." Lanie says with a smile and a look to her friend and then back to the boys.

The Castle on her shoulder is telling her to stay sitting as long as she possibly can just so Lanie has to figure out a way to get Kate to stand up. The angel on the other is telling her to just get it over with.

So, naturally, she turns back to her computer, working on looking up more information on the victim after telling Lanie to fill the guys in on anything that she found while she finished up her background runs. She would let them sweat it out a little bit before Lanie confirms their suspicions. Any man knows that he isn't allowed to ask a woman if she is pregnant… another woman is a different story.

Kate allows herself to get totally distracted by the case then, looking into the female vic's background like she was supposed to. So, it's not a conscious move when she does finally stand up. She finished looking up information and wanted to put it up on the murder board, so she made her way over and started writing just like she always does.

"Hey Beckett?" Ryan asks, causing her to straighten up and turn towards the three of them.

Lanie's gasp doesn't go unnoticed by Kate, "Holy Shit! You're pregnant!"

"And?" Kate asks, wanting this to be as casual as it could be, but knowing that it wasn't going to work that way.

"No, but you're like really pregnant… Like we can see it and everything!"

"Again… and?"

"And… when were you going to tell us about this!?" Lanie finally screams, running over to her friend and wrapping her arms around her tightly, at which Kate's smile radiates out to all.

"I was going to… I wanted to wait as long as I could, but I can't fit into any of my pants, so I thought it was time to tell you guys."

"Beckett, this is awesome!" Ryan says, moving to give her a hug as well.

"This is pretty sweet, Beckett…" Espo adds, doing the same as Ryan.

"How far along are you?" Lanie finally asks.

"I'm at 15 weeks. I'm due at the beginning of January…"

"Girl, you could have told me about this!"

"I… honestly, you guys, I don't want you to make a big deal out of this. I just… I don't want everyone to freak out about everything, so I didn't tell anyone about it. Only Alexis and Martha know… and Gates."

"So that's really why you haven't been at the scenes." Espo figures out very quickly.

"Yes… I'm actually surprised you guys didn't figure it out sooner… but… I'm glad that you know now. I was actually pretty excited once I decided that I was going to let you guys in on it." She says, daring to rest a hand on the small bump of her abdomen.

"We are too, Uncle Javi needs to start shopping for his nephew!"

"We should totally go get one of those little baseball uniforms for him. I saw them when we were out shopping for Sarah Grace… He's going to look great in one of those!"

"What made you half-wits decide that it's a boy?" Lanie asks with a raised eyebrow and the attitude they have all come to expect from her.

"We just know… besides… Castle already told us that one day he and Beckett were going to have a boy… said something about how Beckett's dad is obsessed with baseball and he wanted them to—" he starts to talk before realizing that maybe this wasn't the place to be bringing up past conversations and stopping quickly, looking toward Kate.

"No… finish what he said… I want to hear it." she says quietly.

"He said that he thought that it would be a great way to bond with your dad… and then he said that he would be able to make up for all those things that his father never got to do with him if he had a boy."

She processes the statement for a while, smiling before asking, "Castle really talked to you guys about us having kids?"

Ryan nods, "After Sarah Grace was born, I had a freak out and Castle helped me through it by telling us all these stories. Javi and I… we asked him if he thought you guys would ever have kids, and then he talked about it." He says, then adding softly, "He wanted that with you, Beckett."

"Yeah… I know." She says with a watery smile before telling them that she had to use the restroom for a moment.

When she got in the room, she looked at herself in the mirror, bump on display and tears on her cheeks.

"I knew this was going to be hard, little one, but I didn't know that it was going to be this hard. Did you hear your uncles? Daddy wanted you so much…" she says, rubbing her stomach and whispering to comfort herself.

"Kate?" Lanie says, cracking the main door open before entering to see her friend.

She immediately moves to the other woman and wraps her arms around her, "Oh Kate… it's going to be okay."

"I know it is, Lanie, I just… God I was so excited to do this with Castle. We even talked about how we wanted to start trying right after the wedding. And now… I… I thought that I was going to have him for all this, and all I am is scared."

"And that's okay." Lanie says, rubbing circles on her friend's back.

"No, it's not, because I have like 6 months until she gets here and I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing. Lanie… Castle is… was… the baby person… not me."

"But you just told me that you wanted it and you guys talked about starting a family right away… Kate you're ready for this."

"No, I was ready for this when I was going to have a husband to get me through this… I was ready when I knew that I was doing this with Rick… I'm not ready on my own." She finally says, her voice rising as she finishes her statement and her body pulling away from Lanie's to slide down the far wall of the room and sink down to the floor.

Lanie lets her have a moment before sitting next to her, "You aren't on your own, Kate. You have me and the guys as the best aunt and uncles a kid could ever have… Kate, seriously, they are already talking about going out to buy clothes for the kid and they're guys! You have Alexis and Martha and your dad."

"My dad doesn't know yet."

"And that's okay… because when he finds out he is going to be so happy for you, Kate…. You aren't alone in this. I know that I'm not the first person to tell you that, but you aren't alone and we aren't going to let you be alone."

She stares at the floor for a few minutes before letting a small smile come to her, "It's a girl."

"How do you know?"

"Okay… you have to promise me that you aren't going to judge me in this, but Castle told me… I have… I have these dreams and… Lanie they're so real and it's like he's there and he talks to me and he tells me that everything is okay."

"I'm pretty sure that's normal, but maybe you should go back to talking with Dr. Burke about all of this. You told me that he was the one who helped you after your shooting… he helped you find Castle… admit your feelings. I think that he could help you now… help you process."

"Lanie, that's how I knew that he was gone. That morning when you guys came to tell me that he had been shot was the first time I had the dream… he told me that he was gone."

"Well, I wouldn't put it past Castle to haunt you for the rest of your life, but you tell him that he comes in my dreams and I'm going to smack him… okay?"

Kate laughs at this, knowing that Lanie didn't believe her but was also trying to make sure that Kate didn't feel like she was crazy at the same time.

"All right, so are we good with all this?" Lanie asks, standing up and holding out a hand for Kate to get up.

"We're working on it." She replies, grabbing on to her friends offered hand and standing up.

"… and you'll consider going to talk to Dr. Burke again?"

"Yes… definitely."

She's smoothing her shirt back down when Lanie comes over and lifts her shirt up just enough to see her rigged button hole. "Okay, we need to take you shopping, because this is not okay."

"I wasn't ready to do that yet… Martha is taking me this weekend."

"You're ready now?"

"Yes."

"All right, now lets get back to the bullpen and see if they've started to fight about who's getting to be the godfather, cause you KNOW that's exactly what they are doing." Lanie says, laughing as she walks out of the bathroom, and leaving Kate behind to think on Castle's comment about just that situation…. Yeah… she was going to go see Dr. Burke, because this was definitely crazy.

* * *

"_So what do you think he's going to say?"_

"_What? You mean when I tell him that I'm having long conversations with my dead fiancé while I sleep? And oh, by the way, he tells me things that come true so I know that it can't just be my imagination?"_

"_Well, when you put it that way, he might have you committed."_

"_Castle…"_

"_No… Kate I think that you going back to Dr. Burke is going to be great for you. He helped you so much after you got shot… he's going to help you again, I know he will."_

"_He's going to freak out at how far I came with you. He knew that I loved you before I could ever admit it to you."_

"_Did he tell you to act on it?"_

"_No, just frequently brought up the fact that I… well, that I frequently brought YOU up."_

"_I don't blame you, you know… I am ruggedly handsome… what are you wearing?"_

"_Why?" she asks, a confused look on her face._

"_I… I just love all the stuff that you got the other day with mother… just you… showing off our baby for all to see."_

"_Yeah, well, as you pointed it out… baby wasn't going to be hiding any more. 16 weeks now…"_

"_Kate, you're beautiful… I mean, I pictured this… numerous times… and you always exceed my expectations. The first time we… you know… I remember thinking then that I had pictured and dreamed of that moment… you blew me away then and it still hasn't stopped."_

"_You know I pictured it too… everything. I didn't know what it meant to be thinking of all those things, but… I definitely pictured it."_

"_I love you…" he says, causing the blush already on her cheeks to redden even more._

"_Did you really talk to them about having a family with me?" she asks shyly, looking down at the sheets and not meeting his eyes._

"_Of course I did. The fact that I wanted a family with you wasn't something that I was hiding from everyone. Alexis and I had a talk about it not that long ago and me and the guys talked about it right after Ryan and Jenny had the baby… The guys needed to know that I was all in with this too."_

"_They knew that you were all in, Castle."_

"_I know, but I think that they thought that both of us were holding back with stuff like that… our past…"_

"_We did well with everything…"_

"_After we went through everything with your job in D.C., I think that we came out a completely different couple."_

"_We were talking… You were always the only person that I could really talk to about stuff. I mean, I know that I held some things back, but then I would come to my senses and realize that I wanted to talk to someone about it, and it was always you… like the stuff with my mom and the wedding."_

"_You can still talk to me Kate…"_

"_Yeah, we'll see what Burke says after today… he might have me sedated and moved to a padded cell."_

"_He won't…at least not until after the baby's born." He says, laughing and pulling her close to him for a few moments._


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Again, thank you to everyone who is still reading this… It is really cool to hear people PM or review that they are trying this type of story for the first time… or that they normally hate stories with character deaths and they love it. You have no idea how awesome that is! Continue to enjoy and review if you'd like to share your thoughts!**

"Kate Beckett… glad to see you again. I was sorry to hear about Mr. Castle." Dr. Burke says, entering the small waiting room to greet his patient, eyes showing just a bit of surprise with a glance at Kate's rounding stomach.

She catches his glance down and smiles, "yeah… we're going to need the whole hour."

"Then let's get started." He says, guiding her into the room and letting her get settled before he asks her anything.

He doesn't have to though, because she starts first, "So I think I may be going crazy."

He smiles at this, "Okay, let's hit the ground running. What's going on?"

"I talk to him… he… comes to me in my dreams, and we have full conversations. It's so real and it helps and it's… I'm going crazy."

"Kate the last time I saw you, it was about a case… it was about something with your mother… and the time before that, it was to tell me that you finally gave in to your feelings with Mr. Castle. And now… you're here… you're obviously pregnant… I'm going to need you to fill in the blanks before we continue." He says with a smile that she returns, knowing that this must have been a surprise after not having seen the man in nearly a year and a half.

"Castle and I… we dove in… we dove in and it was the most amazing thing that I've ever done in my life. He… loved me like I never knew actually existed, and I loved him back more than I thought I would ever be able to. He proposed a little over a year ago and I said yes. We were supposed to get married about two months ago… but umm…"

"Kate, I know what happened to Mr. Castle… you don't have to say it if you don't want to."

"No… I need to say it out loud because it helps me… he was on the way to our wedding and he was taken… and then he was murdered… ordered by the same man who orchestrated my mother's murder and my shooting… The night of his funeral, I found out I was pregnant… and here I am… I'm having these dreams… and again… I'm going crazy."

"First, I want you to know that I am so amazed at how far you have come… knowing the head space you had to be in to have the relationship you obviously wanted and had with him. Second, I don't think that you're going crazy. Tell me about when these dreams started."

"He got run off the road the day of the wedding. We found out shortly after that he wasn't in the car we found. He was missing and we tried to find him… I led the investigation."

"So the dreams started when he disappeared?"

"No… that's the thing about them, he… it's him. The day I found out he was gone was the day of the first dream… before I found out he was gone. That morning he told me that he loved me and that me telling him I loved him was one of his greatest gifts. I questioned the was and he responded that it was time for me to wake up. He had been shot earlier that morning and they came later to tell me that they had found his body."

"Okay, you keep saying dreams, so I assume that it was more than just that time."

"The day of his funeral, he came to me again and basically told me about the baby. I had told him one day about my dad and I having a good moment together on the day of my mother's funeral, and he reminded me that I told him that even on the worst days there is possibility for joy. His mother gave me a pregnancy test that evening that confirmed I was pregnant…. Then before my first appointment, before telling everyone about the baby, before coming here."

"What did he say about coming here?"

"He assured me that going back to talk with you was a good idea and that you helped me so much before with my shooting. Then he proceeded to make fun of me and tell me that you wouldn't have me committed to a padded room until after the baby was born."

Burke laughs at this, and a smile comes to Kate's face remembering the way Castle's eyes lit up when he made the joke.

"How do these encounters make you feel?"

"Sometimes they make me uncomfortable because he tells me that I need to do something that I might not be ready for like telling everyone about the pregnancy and other times it lights up every part of my being because it's like he's really back. Even in the ones where he's pushing me, I know that he's doing it for my own good. He knows how I operate and he's trying to get me to see past that."

"Do you believe in ghosts or the afterlife… anything like that?"

"No… at least I didn't."

"But you do now?"

"No… I don't. That's the thing. Castle and I have been on cases together where he would swear something paranormal was at work and I would always dismiss it. I never believed anything like that."

"Yet, you are speaking to your fiancé who passed…"

She runs a hand through her hair to collect her thoughts and then stands up to pace the room for a moment.

"So what do you suggest?"

"Kate, do you want these… encounters… per se… to go away?"

"No.", she admits without a second thought.

"Okay, then I don't see the problem."

"You don't see a problem with me talking to my dead fiancé in my sleep?"

"Let's talk about something other than the dreams… how are you grieving the loss of him? Are you letting yourself have those moments of grief?"

"I'm actually proud of myself and I think that he would be proud of me too… I've been pretty open about the things I've been feeling. I know that it helps Alexis the most when I let her know that I have those moments."

"Alexis is?"

"My dau—Castle's daughter."

"You started to say my daughter… why did you stop yourself?"

"Because she isn't mine." Kate shrugs her shoulders.

"So why did you start to say she was?"

"Her mother, Castle's ex… she's a piece of work. Actually had the gall to come to the funeral all new hair dye and a manicure telling Alexis that she came as soon as she could… two weeks after Rick went missing. Alexis deserved better than her growing up. I… once told Castle that I would take care of her if anything ever happened to him."

"How old is she?"

"18… almost 19."

"Can you describe your relationship?"

Kate lets out a huff before sitting down, thinking back on the different things that made up her relationship with the younger Castle.

"I was a sounding board for her early on in mine and Castle's shadowing relationship… then after my shooting she probably hated me a bit because she thought that I wasn't good enough for him… that I had strung him along for too long… then when we got together it seemed like it was okay and we would talk every now and then. She was kidnapped a bit after Castle and I got together for real and that actually brought us closer… bringing her home. Then when we got engaged, I saw it all happen again with the hating me thing. Well… she didn't hate me, she hated the fact that Castle was going to marry me. And then… it just… fixed itself. I talked to her a few times on my own about stuff and about her relationship with Rick. Then we got into this wonderful and comfortable relationship where she knew that I was going to be there and I knew that she was going to be there and we liked it. We would have movie nights and go out to dinner… we were on the way to a great relationship."

"And after Castle's death?"

"It has grown." She says, smiling despite thinking about what it was that brought them closer together, "She needed me then, slept with me in our bed because she wanted someone near, came to me when she needed to cry about missing him. She's been coming with me to doctor's appointments and talking non-stop about the baby. At one point, right after she found out about the pregnancy, she told me that she didn't need a piece of paper to tell her that I was Castle's wife… that I could stay in the loft and have all the money and all the perks of being a Castle."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Honestly? I don't feel like I deserve all this."

"What do you mean?"

"If I would have told you a few years ago, when you were getting to know me after the shooting, that I would admit my feelings to Richard Castle, really be in a relationship with him, get engaged to him, and start a family with him… what would you have said?" she asks him with a quirk of her brow.

"Kate… you were in love with him… even then. I know that you are aware of that now… so that isn't too far a leap. However, I do know the struggles you have faced in past relationships and about building up walls and not letting people in the way you may want to. Just because it took you a while to get there, doesn't mean that you don't deserve everything that happened when you had each other."

"We were only together two years…"

"You were going to be with him forever though, Kate… you hoped for forever."

She sits for a moment, thinking on that thought… they were planning on forever. They were planning a life together and a family together and they were all fully aware of all the implications of their planning. It meant that they were in it… she didn't plan things like that… think about her future in the way that she did with Rick.

"but I don't get forever."

"You do… just not in ways that you thought… tell me about how you feel about the pregnancy."

Her hand falls to her stomach then, trying her hardest to not admit that she loves the way it is jutting out to meet her in a slight way.

"I was shocked at first, but I'm happy. I'm more happy that I deserve to be about this baby."

"Kate, you keep saying that you don't deserve these things… why?"

"Because I feel like I don't. I feel like all my life, it has gotten taken away from me. When something gets close, either I push it away, or the fates intervene and take it away from me."

"Did he know that you were pregnant?" Dr. Burke asks, causing Kate's lower lip to start trembling and a few tears to escape.

"No… he never knew… I was… I was obviously pregnant then, but I didn't know yet. I found out two weeks after what was supposed to be our wedding day." She says, standing up to pace again. "And you know what… that sucks!"

"What sucks?"

"We talked about it… we talked about trying for a family right after the wedding. I mean… he's older than me and I'm 34 years old… it wasn't like we really had the luxury of waiting. So I knew that it would happen soon, God willing… and I had it in my head… sitting in the bathroom with him and waiting to find out if we were pregnant or not, or maybe finding out and then getting to tell him… seeing the look on his face…"

"You said that he came to you before one of the appointments… what did he say then?"

"He told me that he would have screamed from the rooftops that I was having his baby." She says with a small laugh while still wiping the tears off her cheeks.

"Would he?"

Kate rolls her eyes then, smiling as she sits down again, "He would have been horrible. He would have been like a kid in the candy store telling everyone, going out and buying everything, doting on me like no other."

"You told me about Alexis, what about your other family, your dad, your friends."

"My dad has been in Europe, so I'm waiting until I see him to tell him… my friends… well… the closest ones are the ones I work with and they were standing up in our wedding… so they knew Castle well."

"And how did they react?"

"They were excited, made sure that I knew that they would be there with me every step of the way."

"How do you think your father is going to take it?"

"His only daughter is having… well is having the only grandchild he'll ever have… I think he'll be happy about it."

"You don't think that you'll find someone el—"

"No."

"Kate, I know that it's early, but you might—"

"No. I didn't know what love was before him… I thought it was this stupid fairy tale idea, and even when I knew that I loved him… God it was nothing in comparison to being in love with each other and being together. I had never felt what it was like to love someone and have them love you back so completely, so desperately… I am absolutely, One hundred percent sure that I will never find that again… and I'm okay with that." She says with a serene smile.

Dr. Burke looks down at his watch then, realizing that their time was up for the day, "It looks like we've plowed through that hour."

"Oh… and I still don't know about these dreams."

"I would say that, for a woman who experienced the loss you did not that long ago, you are doing very well. You are going to have your moments every now and then, some bigger than others. The dreams, I think, are actually helping you sort through your feelings. Now whether or not they are your fiancé coming back to speak to you… that I don't know… I haven't solidified my beliefs in that area and neither have you. If they start becoming destructive and not a source of comfort for you or something that is pushing you towards something productive, then we are going to need to address them in a different way.

She nods, standing up and shaking his hand before walking back out to the receptionist and making an appointment for two weeks from now just in case she needs to talk again.

* * *

"How was your appointment?" Alexis asks right when she walks through the door.

"It was good." Kate replies, coming up behind her in the kitchen and grabbing her pony tail and running her fingers through it in a comforting gesture.

"And how's my baby sister?"

"I think she's good too." She says, patting her stomach with a smile.

"Any movement yet?"

"I don't think so… every now and then I feel these little gas bubble things and they say that is what it feels like at first, but then I think that maybe I just ate something that didn't agree with me."

Alexis laughs then, stirring whatever concoction was in the pot.

"You didn't have to make dinner Alexis."

"I know, I just wanted to do something useful. Being home for the summer was always hard for me because I'm a doer." She says, adding some more vegetables into the pot.

"I could maybe see if Lanie needs some intern help at the morgue… you liked that, didn't you?"

"I did" she nods enthusiastically.

"Or, you could just veg… go to the beach… hang out at a pool… go stay up in the Hamptons for a few weeks."

"I don't want to go up there any time soon." She says quietly, and Kate notices how her face drops ever so slightly.

"Tell you what… I know what that place means to you and to your dad… it means a lot to me too. There are good memories there Alexis… and we need to focus on those. At the end of the summer, right before you have to go back to classes, why don't you, me, and Martha go up there and spend a week. I'll start being pretty huge by then, so it'll be nice to get in some fun before baby takes over our lives…"

Alexis turns toward her then, a small smile on her face, "Did dad ever take you to that custard place?"

"No… we talked about it, but… we would always get distracted…" Kate says with a blush.

"Okay, ewww…"

"Hey, you're the one excited for a baby sister… she got there somehow."

Alexis laughs, rolling her eyes in a way that Castle said she was getting from spending too much time with Kate.

"Oh God… Castle was right… you are starting to get my eye roll."

"What?"

"Castle said that you were starting to give him Beckett eye rolls… he said that you and I were spending too much time together and you were going to turn into a mini-me."

"I don't think that would be such a bad thing."

Kate smiles, "So, what are we having?"

"I found this really yummy looking vegetable soup recipe online that I thought I would try for us. It smells super good. I also picked up some pita chips from that bakery that we always go to and learned how to make hummus… so we can snack on that while the soup is cooking."

"I really wish this kid would get over not liking meat… I miss my cheeseburgers from Remy's."

"Well, that's why the hummus is here… protein."

"I have the perfect daughter…" Kate says, her eye widening a bit at the slip, not knowing how the younger girl was going to react to the slip happening by her and not a random stranger in the doctor's office.

Alexis doesn't even let it phase her, smiling as she tells Kate, "I think you're right… you do have the perfect daughter. Are you nervous about tomorrow?"

"Seeing my dad? Is it weird that I am? I mean, I know that he's going to be happy for me… I know that he's going to be excited, but… I don't know, I worry that he's going to be mad that I didn't tell him right away."

"You needed the processing time and you knew that he wasn't going to leave if you told him."

"This trip meant a lot to him."

"It did… and letting him go on it meant a lot to you. Just… remind him that we were here taking care of you. It will make him feel better to know that you had everyone looking out for you."

"You're right…"

* * *

Her back is to the door, so when he comes in, she isn't aware at first.

"Katie bug!" he says, leaning into the booth and hugging her for the first time in months.

"Hi dad." She says with a small smile as he sits down across from her. "How was everything?"

"Katie, how are you?"

"Nope…. I want you to tell me all about your trip, dad… I can wait."

He sits there for a minute checking her over, noticing the calm surrounding her that hadn't been there when he left. When he left her after the funeral he was almost positive that it was the wrong move, but her stubborn nature wouldn't allow him to stay.

"I learned so much when I was over there and I got to see a bunch of really neat stuff. When you have some time, I'd love to sit down and show you all the pictures… but more importantly… how are you?"

"You aren't going to let that go…" she says, narrowing her eyes toward her father, who doesn't flinch like her suspects do in interrogation, "I'm fine, Dad… well… take that back. I'm not fine, but I'm getting there."

He notices the honesty in her eyes when she admits to him that it has been a struggle. "I hated that you insisted that I still leave right after Rick's funeral. I wanted to be here for you."

"I know that dad, and that fact alone was enough for me… I'm… surprisingly good. I'm starting to see that same therapist that I saw after my shooting and he seems to think that I'm in a good place. Processing all of this is going to take a while, but it is something that I know I can do."

"You actually look good…" he says and then squints at her for a minute, "You look really good… have you done something different?"

"No… not really… I just…" she starts and lets out a huff of air before meeting his eyes again with a small smile, "the 16 weeks of pregnancy so far… that may be something…"

It takes him a few seconds after she says it to really understand what she said, "Katie… are you…"

She nods, "I found out the night of the funeral. How do you feel about being a grandfather?"

"Why didn't you tell me!?"

"Because you were leaving the next morning and you wouldn't have left if you knew."

"You're right! I wouldn't have! This is… Katie, this is amazing." He says, reaching for her hands across the table.

"Your mom would have been so proud of you and Rick would have been so happy."

She pauses for a moment before commenting, "And I'm happy about it… it… it's going to be a challenge, but I can't think of anything more amazing than having Castle's baby… with the exception of him actually being here for it."

"Do you know yet, if it's a girl or a boy?"

"My gut is telling me that it is a girl, but we find out for sure soon. I have a Doctor's appointment soon to check up on everything."

"Will you call me after?"

"Of course."

"All right." He says, smiling, "this is going to be a good day… now what do you want to eat?"

"Anything but meat…" Kate says, letting her eyes wander over the menu before realizing that her dad has stopped looking at his own menu and started staring at her.

"What? The baby doesn't want meat… the idea of it makes me… ewww…. From day one." She says, scrunching up her nose.

"Johanna would have absolutely loved this… Katie, I know that I tell you how much you're like your mom on a regular basis, but this may take the cake…"

"Okay?"

"That's how we found out she was pregnant with you… she would eat a hamburger or a pork chop and get sick immediately. Then it got to the point where she couldn't even look at it… one of her girlfriends at the time called her out on it and she brought the idea home to me… about 7 months or so later, we got our little Katie bug."

Kate smiles at this, loving the fact that she could share something like this with her mother, but then adds with a laugh, "this is a non-craving that I would have much rather done without… she couldn't have had an aversion to broccoli?"

"Sorry." He says, shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah, well, when the baby comes out like Elphaba, then we'll see what you say."

"Wait… what?"

"Wicked… Castle and I went to see it a few months ago. Martha got free orchestra seating, so we went… Poor kid came out green and then caused all sorts of issues. I don't normally do the whole Broadway show thing… I'm more of a jazz girl… but it was fun." She replies casually before looking back down at her menu.

"Kate?" he says, getting her attention one more time and causing her to peak over her menu at him.

"Hmmmm?"

"You… You are going to be an amazing mother, you know that right?"

"I hope so." She says with a big smile.

"I know so… all of your passion and all of that love that you finally showed with Rick… it is going to absolutely pour into that child and he or she is going to be the luckiest kid in all of New York." He says before turning back to his menu.

The way he said it, eyes never leaving hers and a sincerity in his voice that she hasn't heard in so many years… it causes her heart to skip a beat. She and her father had some rough years, getting through his alcoholism after her mother died nearly destroyed their relationship and this… it drove home the fact that her dad was back. He had told her that in the past two years when she was with him… when she had Castle in her life in the way he was meant to be… he told her that she was back to the carefree Kate that he knew from before her mother died. She was back to the Kate that she was always supposed to be. Now… in that moment, she recognized the same thing in her father.

"Dad?"

"yeah?"

"Thanks for coming back." She says simply and watches him question the statement for a moment before the realization of what she meant struck him and he smiled.

They spent the rest of their lunch talking about his trip abroad and talking about how things were going at the loft with Martha and Alexis. She told him that she already had ideas for the nursery and could use his help with everything once they did know for sure that the baby was a girl or boy. He jumped at the chance to paint the nursery and help put together furniture and put shelves up in the room.

Their meeting ended with him helping her out of the booth and taking a moment to really look at her.

"You are absolutely radiant, Katie."

Her hands immediately rest on her stomach and she smiles up at him, "I'm not going to believe when you tell me that in a few months, but I believe you think that now, so thanks dad."

"I'm so glad that I get to see you like this… that I get to be here for this. I know that your mom is up there with Rick exchanging Katie stories and looking down at you and talking about how beautiful you are… so I'm going to tell you that for as long as you let me, because I know that it exactly what the two of them would be doing."

"I'll talk to you after my appointment in the next few weeks, okay?" she says, moving to hug him before walking out to the street and the waiting car she had called just a few minutes before they got up.

He watched her be driven away and spent the rest of the day with a smile on his face. The smile only grew when he walked the ten blocks to the cemetery where his wife was buried and talked to her about how they were going to be grandparents.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: All right… here is a rather large update for me. I'm sorry that I didn't update it sooner but life always seems to get in the way! Enjoy and review if you would like!**

"_I'm so glad that your dad was excited." He says, drawing lazy circles on her stomach._

"_You didn't think that he would be?"_

"_Kate… you're his only daughter… his little girl… and I got you pregnant before we were married."_

"_Technically yes… but we wouldn't have found out about it until after we were married anyways, so I wouldn't have known… nor would he. We would have all thought it was a honeymoon baby."_

"_Yeah, but there's something to be said about fathers finding out that their daughters are pregnant."_

"_Really?"_

"_It's confirmation that you slept with his little girl… not cool."_

"_Castle… we were getting married… and I'm pretty sure that my dad knew that I wasn't going to be a virgin on my wedding night."_

"_Still… Kate…"_

"_Okay, I don't want to talk about this anymore."_

"_When do you think we would have figured it out?"_

"_That I was pregnant?" she asks, and he nods into her neck from his spot behind her._

"_My dad told me that the meat thing was how they found out about me… I wonder if that's what would have happened."_

"_You think on our honeymoon?"_

"_I don't know… maybe."_

_They sit in silence for a few moments before Castle breaks the silence, bringing up her therapy session from a few weeks ago._

"_You told Burke that you had it in your head… telling me… the look on my face. If it was a few months down the road… we were married, we were settled, we were where we thought we were going to be… how?"_

"_Scavenger Hunt… starting at the loft, going through some of your favorite cases and their spots, ending at the swings… final note being something about calling the park district to see if they could install a baby swing by next year."_

_He looks at her with surprise written all over his face, "You really thought about it…"_

"_Castle… after you and I had that conversation about starting a family right after the wedding… that was a constant in my mind… getting my happy ending."_

"_You really would have sent me on a scavenger hunt through New York?"_

"_Of course… I would be a Castle then, and I don't think that you would have accepted anything less. Besides… I had to top your birthday from two years ago somehow."_

"_It would have worked."_

* * *

It wasn't the dream that woke her this time. She had fallen asleep after their "conversation", which was an odd occurrence that she attributes to the pregnancy wearing her alertness down. No… it was this fluttering feeling in her stomach that she initially thought was having to go to the bathroom, but then finally realized that she really didn't have to go.

So she waited, laying there in their big bed and waiting for it again, her hand resting on her stomach.

Then she felt it again, that feeling she had been having for the past week or so, only she could feel it under her hand as well.

"Alexis!" she screams with a laugh, causing Alexis to come running into the room still in her robe from making coffee for them.

"Kate! What's wrong, are you okay?"

"Yes, come here!" she says, patting the bed next to her and telling the girl to lay there with her for a minute.

When she places Alexis' hand under her own on her stomach, she lets out a small sigh of contentment, finally reaching that milestone where she was sure it was the baby making these fluttering feelings inside her.

"Kate, what are we doing?"

"Just wait." Kate says, hoping that she would get to feel the baby move again, hoping that she could share that with Alexis.

After a few more minutes, Alexis let out a yelp of surprise and pulled her hand away from Kate's stomach, "Oh my God! Was that the baby?!"

Kate just nods in response.

"That is so cool! Oh my God, this is so cool. Kate, dad would have been so excited for this part! And… he wouldn't have been able to keep his hands off of you."

They had a conversation a few weeks ago about bringing up Castle. Both of them had admitted that they kept screening some of their comments around each other, not wanting to upset the other. Then they realized that the commenting and the idea of what Castle would do in a given situation gave both of them comfort. So they agreed that whenever he popped in their mind, they weren't going to be afraid to share it.

"I'm pretty sure you're right."

"Can I do it again?"

"You're as bad as your dad…"

"I know." She shrugs just before Kate grabs her hand and places it in the same spot, both women lying back down beside each other.

"Alexis darling, you started making the coffee, but you didn't succee—" Martha starts, walking into the room to find the two women laying next to each other quietly with Alexis and Kate's hands joined on her stomach. "What are the two of you doing?"

"Would you like to feel your grandbaby?"

Her eyes soften then, and she places a hand to her mouth to hold in a gasp as she moves towards Kate's other side to sit beside her on the bed and place her hand next to Alexis' on Kate's ever growing bump.

"It's like a tiny little vibration against your hand… it's the coolest thing." Alexis says, causing both older women to smile back at her.

"Richard was a mover in there… I remember I felt him the first time and then he never stopped. He didn't want to stop for anything… he was worse at night when I was trying to go to sleep."

"I hope that she learns the difference between night and day very quickly then, because I'm not going to survive work on no sleep."

"You might want to…" she stops, after feeling the tiny flutter against her hand, allowing a radiant smile to cross her face, "there she is…there's my beautiful grandchild."

Kate raises her eyebrow at this. Martha had told them that she wasn't going to start saying the baby was one thing or another because if they were wrong they would feel foolish that they just spent the first half of her pregnancy calling the poor thing the wrong gender.

Martha throws her hands up in the air at Kate's look, "What! You two have convinced me! And I tell you what, if Richard were here, he would be praying it was a boy because he would have been so outnumbered."

"He thinks it's a girl too." Kate says, not realizing what she just said until Martha looks at her strangely and Alexis turns towards her with a look of surprise.

"I um… okay… the two of you are going to think that I'm crazy." She starts, sitting up in the bed and facing the two women. "He… he comes to me in my dreams and he talks to me and he told me that it was a girl."

"Okay…"

"I know it's crazy, but it's what's happening… that's how I knew he was gone that day… that's how I knew that I was pregnant the second you gave me the test before even taking it… it's just… it has gotten me through a lot of things."

"Katherine, have you told Dr. Burke about this?"

"I have."

"and…?"

"And he says that if they are a comfort to me, then they aren't a problem and that I'm still grieving in a healthy way… They don't happen all the time. It's just once every few weeks or so he's there and I think I'm waking up to him talking to me."

"I get it." Alexis says, without an ounce of judgment, and Kate looks at her with a grateful and curious expression. "I do… I mean, I always thought that those people you had a strong connection with, you wouldn't just stop having that if they were gone. It's… It's like the conversation that we had the other day about mentioning what we thought dad would say… I hear it… when we are doing something and I tell you what I think dad would say… it's because I swear I hear him saying it."

"So you don't think I'm crazy?" Kate asks, looking to both women.

"I think that you lost someone you love and you are dealing with that however you need to." Martha finally says, not believing Kate, but also not totally shutting her down.

"When is the appointment tomorrow?" Alexis asks, changing the subject because she can tell that Kate still feels a bit foolish at the admission.

"It's at 2:00. I'm going to take a half day tomorrow at work since we don't have any open cases right now. We can meet for lunch and then go?" Kate says to the younger girl, who has been the dutiful companion at the doctor appointments for the baby.

"That sounds great!"

"Katherine… I know that I haven't asked before, but… do you think—"

"Come." She says, simply… actually glad that she wanted to be involved in this way.

Martha's face lights up at the invitation, "Thank you darling. I… Meredith never let us… me or Richard… get to experience any bit of her pregnancy. She was so concerned about herself and what would happen after the baby…and I would just love to see my grandchild and this is the 20 week appointment, so we'll know… that is if you are finding out."

"This is one surprise that I don't want to wait for. I want to start working on everything for the baby's room as soon as I can and while I'm able." She says, rubbing her stomach with a smile on her face.

"Then why don't we do lunch, then the appointment, and then we can go around searching for furniture… which… no argument… since this is my grandchild, I will be purchasing for you and the baby."

"Martha…" Kate says in a warning tone.

"No… no arguments… I couldn't afford it when Alexis was born, and now that I can, I will."

"And I'm going to purchase the bedding that we… you… pick out too… my gift for the baby as the big sister."

Her eyes start swimming instantly, "damn hormones" she says wiping at the tears falling.

"Oh Katherine, you're only halfway through… just wait… those hormones are a terrible bitch." Martha says, patting her on the back before smiling and heading back out of the room.

"She has such a comforting air about her, don't you think?" Kate says, turning with a smirk to Alexis as the tears are slowing in their journey.

"You're sure about the guest room?"

"Alexis, the only other options would be to kick you or your grandmother out of the Loft, which is obviously not going to happen… unless you want to go… which I totally understand… you're old enough to—"

"Kate, no! I told you my reasons for leaving that first year, and I think that at least through college, I want to stay right here. Besides, I want to help you and the baby through the first year or so anyways. I don't want you to have to do that by yourself."

"Regardless of the circumstances, I want you to know that you don't have to think of this baby as your responsibility, Alexis. I know that it was supposed to be your dad and I doing this, but I can do this on my own… In the day to day, I'm going to have to learn to be a single mom, and I'm starting to wrap my head around that. I want you to be the fun big sister and I want you to want to babysit and want to take her out everywhere your dad took you, but I don't want you to worry about anything else."

"I know that, and I know that you are going to be the best mom ever for this baby… but I want you to also know that we can shoulder some of the crazy stuff when you need the help. Yes, the major responsibility is going to be you… but Gram and I want to help."

Kate nods, knowing that Alexis was basing her thoughts on the fact that she knew Kate hated asking for help. Yes, she was getting better about it, but it was still hard for her to lean on others.

* * *

"So, are you ready to find out?"

"We are." Kate says with a smile to her doctor and then a look to the two women surrounding her.

"You brought someone new today Kate… sister?" the doctor asks with a small smile as she searches Kate's stomach for the baby growing inside.

"You are doing that on purpose and I love you for it… I'm the grandmother… Kate's other mother in a way…" Martha says, choosing her words carefully for how she referred to herself.

"All right… then let's get started with the fun stuff. Everything appears to be going well, Kate. You are spot on for where you are measuring and baby looks great… now let me see if I can find what we are looking for… ah… there it is… you're sure that you want to know?"

Kate nods her head toward the doctor.

"Any bets… ideas?" she asks.

"We all know our guesses… can you tell us for sure?"

"Now, this is not completely one hundred percent correct all the time… but I'm almost positive that you are having a little girl." The doctor says, causing gasps from all three other women in the room.

"So he was right, my son." Martha says first, looking down at Kate with tears in the corners of her eyes.

"He was right." Kate says, squeezing Alexis' hand, "I'm so glad that we get to have another daughter."

After allowing the three a few minutes, the doctor starts cleaning everything up, "Now, like I said, I think that everything is going well for you and the baby. How is work going?"

"Work is actually going really well. I've cut back on my hours and I'm not allowed out of the precinct much. It hasn't been as stressful as in years past."

"Okay, and what about the exercising and the eating?"

"We take walks often… I tried to keep up the running, but my feet didn't like that. I'm also thinking about enrolling in a prenatal yoga class down the street from our loft. The eating has me a bit concerned though… you say the baby is healthy, but I'm not eating any kind of meat. I'll do fish, but anything with legs makes me gag."

"How are you getting your protein aside from fish?"

"She's eating lots of good vegetables, and we've been packing her full of beans and things like that… lots of hummus and leafy greens." Alexis says, and then blushes when she realizes that the question was in no way directed at her.

"It's okay Alexis…" she says, and then turning to the doctor continues, "Alexis has been doing all the research as far as how to get me my protein without the meat. She's been amazing where this is concerned."

"I can tell! Honestly, this isn't a concern for me. There is a lot of research out there that shows that we don't need nearly the amount of protein that the dietary guidelines say that we do. In fact, if you are getting your protein from mostly vegetables and beans, that is the best kind for you. We could all stand to get away from most things that walk on a regular basis. Your blood work is also showing that your iron levels and folic acid are in excellent shape… so keep up what you're doing. I'm going to warn you though, that if you do have the urge to go back to meat… especially red meat… do so very moderately, because your system will reject it after a long absence."

"That's really all the concerns I had for today."

"Then I'll get some pictures printed out for you ladies, and you can go set up your next appointment for another month from now. Sound good?"

After confirming her next appointment and passing a picture to each of her guests, Kate decides that they are indeed going to get lunch, she was going to call her dad, and then they were going to start furniture shopping.

* * *

"Well, now he's on his way…" Kate says, coming back to the table where they were finishing off the milkshakes that she was craving and the others joined in on.

"I didn't know that Jim was going to be coming with us today." Martha says.

"I didn't either, but he insists on making sure that the furniture is top quality and that whoever is selling it to us doesn't try to cheat us out of something."

"I'm sure that we would be fine… we're modern women… no one can take advantage of us!"

"Says the woman who let the saleswoman talk her into buying not just one coach purse the other day, but the matching wallet, keychain, and all three in another color." Alexis says towards her grandmother, to which Kate raises an eyebrow.

"She was right… the pink is going to be lovely in the spring and summer, and the brown is for all year long." Martha says, gesturing wildly, "Now, why don't we go into that boutique a block from here and start looking at the bedding. Maybe knowing that will help you decide on dark or light wood or white… all that jazz."

"That sounds good." Kate adds, sighing a bit.

"Katherine, we don't have to do this today. We can wait…"

"No I want to…it's just hard."

"I know… and if you want me to run around the store and pick out the most obnoxious things to show you like I know my son would have, I'll do it… I promise." Martha says seriously, causing Kate to smile.

"Come on kiddo." She says, grabbing onto her would-be daughter-in-law and leading her out the door of the diner and towards the street with the baby boutique she saw earlier.

"So what do you think about the decorating and the bedding?" Alexis asks as they walk.

"I don't want it to be something super girly. I want cute but not cartoon character kind of cute… um… maybe purples and sages?"

"Oooh… that would be pretty. I wonder if we could do something in her room like having a super pale green on top and put a white chair rail in the room and do a darker lavender on the bottom?"

"That would be beautiful…" Kate says, finally allowing herself to get excited about the idea of decorating for the new addition.

"Dark cherry wood then… that would be exquisite with those kinds of walls… and maybe instead of a white chair rail, you could do a cherry wood… we could see if the bedding could have some white in it though… or maybe we could find a cherry wood rocker or glider and get the cushion with white piping. Oh yes…" Martha adds, looking into the air and drawing the plans on an invisible easel in the sky.

"I would love that too actually… Castle liked dark wood best anyways. I think he would approve of that."

"Actually, that room already has the dark molding around the ceiling anyways. And the ceiling fan is dark wood as well."

"I didn't even think about that… you're right."

"Okay…" Alexis says, pausing in front of the door to the store to recap for all present, "so we are looking for purples and light or sage green… dark wooden items… and anything that we think is too adorable to pass up… including but certainly not limited to clothing, toys, blankets, hats, hair bows—"

"Alexis… I think we've got it." Kate says with a laugh, joining in the girl's enthusiasm for this shopping excursion.

Stepping into the store was an event in itself. Again, Kate wasn't ever a baby person… when someone had a baby she got them a gift card or sent over a meal. Not having many close friends in her life, she hadn't done it often. So cutesy, frilly, over the top stuff was not her idea of fun. This was definitely outside her comfort zone.

Martha was the one who realized this first, and pulled Alexis off to the side to let Kate roam around herself for a few minutes.

Seeing the baby the first time… hearing the heartbeat… that made it real. Now knowing that it was indeed a little girl she was carrying made it even more real.

Her hand drifted to her stomach as she walked around, looking at all the cribs with their matching decorations and bedding, looking at the plush toys and soft blankets that were made for this little being inside of her.

The second she saw it… she knew that it would be perfect for everything they had talked about, and Castle would have loved it's simplicity as much a she did. The quilt was simply that… a quilt of creams and lavenders and sages that were sometimes solid and sometimes in a pinstripe pattern. The dust ruffle was lavender with a green edge to it, and there weren't a bunch of decorations with the set… meaning they could find their own.

"Kate… look what I… OH! This is perfect!" Alexis says, walking over to her and stopping when she sees the outfitted crib.

"Is it? It isn't too terribly girly?"

"No! I think it's just what you said… it's simple not a lot of decorations that go with it, so we can do our own…. Like… this." She says, pulling something from behind her back.

They were bookends… what looked to be hand painted bookends depicting a Castle complete with a fairytale scene.

"We still have all my storybooks from when I was little… at least my favorites that dad used to read me. I thought that we could put up shelving all around the room that's high enough that she can't reach it yet… get some decorative bookends that tie together in some way… Dad told me once that you were a reader… he said that he could tell in the way you spoke that you were one of the most well read people he ever met… I think it's important to let her know that reading is kind of a big deal in our family, don't you think? And it's a Castle… so… it's perfect."

"I think that we need to get a basket and you need to put those in it… and I think we need to get someone who works here to grab one of these sets for us to hold up at the counter… and then I think that we need to look for more book ends." Kate says, simply loving the idea that Alexis had.

* * *

"How are you feeling Katie-bug?" her dad asks her after the long day.

They had gone through the entire store finding a few more pairs of bookends that they liked and a couple of other decorative things like a plush purple blanket that Kate swore she had never felt anything like. Then her father showed up and heard what they had said about the crib, to which he said he had the perfect idea.

What Kate didn't know about her father was that the idea of his only daughter getting married had sparked in him the desire to be a grandparent way more that Kate ever knew. After purchasing their items and having them sent by car to the loft, they got a cab and were whisked away to a different furniture store that Jim knew.

It was there that they found the dark cherry finish crib… a sleigh style back with a drawer for convenience that would later turn into both a toddler bed and a full size when the baby grew up. The matching double dresser and hutch worked with the crib as well and they knew that their mind was made up.

Now it was after dinner and Martha and Alexis had left Jim and Kate alone in the living room to have a little time together.

"Tired… this was a very long day, and I have a feeling that she's going to be up most of the night." She answers, rubbing her stomach with a lazy smile on her face.

"You can feel her?" he asks with an awe to his voice.

"It was like Martha said, once Castle started moving so she could feel it… he wouldn't stop. I'm hyper aware of it now…"

"Is… uh… is she moving now?"

Kate then realizes that this is something that her father has yet to experience with her, a new and awesome thing that he would certainly love to be a part of.

"Give me your hand." She says simply, holding out her own.

Placing it where she felt the last movement, she covers her fathers hand on her stomach and they wait. "it isn't that big of a production. You can only feel the tiniest of vibrations against your hand… in me it feels like something is vibrating its way through my intestines…. But it's still pretty cool."

When he feels it for the first time he smiles, a radiant smile that she hadn't seen in years… even bigger than when she told him she was pregnant.

"So this is real… my little baby is going to have a little girl… just as beautiful as her and just as wonderful as her grandmother… God… Katie I wish that Rick was here to see this… but I can, without a doubt tell you that he would say that you were radiantly beautiful and the most amazing sight he ever saw."

"Thanks dad." She says quietly, closing her eyes and picturing him there with her, laughing with her dad about her weird emotions and cravings.

"Well, I think you and my granddaughter need to get some sleep, so I'm going to get out of here. Let me know when you want to start the painting. I can go with you to get the paint sometime next week and by then, maybe the wood sample for the crib will be in so we can match the stain for the chair rail. Alexis and Martha really have a keen eye for decorating."

"That they do… and yes, I will call you about doing some of that next week. I think that Martha and Alexis and I are going to go up to the Hamptons not next week but the week after. Maybe you could join us for the weekend?"

"Vacation?"

"Before I get too big to enjoy it. And it's a last hurrah before Alexis has to start classes again."

"She staying here when classes start?"

"Yeah… she wouldn't have it any other way."

"Kate… that young woman loves you… she looks up to you… and she is damn lucky to have you in her life. Helps me to see how amazing of a mother you're going to be with this little one since you're doing so good with Alexis. Now… go… sleep." He says, kissing her cheek before walking over to the door to leave for the evening.

Martha had heard Jim leave as she had been coming down the stairs, and found Kate with her eyes closed on the couch.

"Sweetheart, you need to get into bed… no sleeping on the couch."

"Hmm?" Kate says, not fully comprehending what the older woman had said.

"Oh dear…" Martha says, holding her hand out for Kate to take it and leading her into the bedroom.

"Thank you Martha."

"It's what mothers are for dear… we've got to take care of our own… you know that…"

"I will." She says, grabbing a pair of pajama pants and one of Castle's shirts to change into.

"You already do… your father was right… you are doing an excellent job with Alexis and I'm so glad that she has you. I can't imagine that you envisioned this for your life Katherine, but you are taking it on with a grace and a thoughtfulness that I don't think many could manage. She does look up to you and love you… just as I do."

Kate thinks about that for a minute, letting Martha's words flow through her a bit before replying, "I didn't envision it this way… but I hoped for the love. I hoped for love from a man who cherished me… I hoped for the love of a family again… I hoped for the love of a child… I hoped for the home… yeah… some things got taken away from that picture, but I got everything I hoped for when I really think about it…"

"Then I'm glad for you in that respect, Katherine… now… off to bed with you." She says, walking out of the door.

"Martha?" Kate calls out, causing the older woman to peak her head back in.

"Yes dear?"

"I see her in you… the way that she used to wake me up when I fell asleep studying in the living room… the way she quietly reminded me of the joys in life… the way she always tried to make me feel better when she knew I was upset… so thank you…"

"Well… I love you kiddo." The older woman says with a wink before retiring for the evening.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Here is a shorter update as I'm starting to get towards the end… however a new part of the story unfolded as I was writing, and then another came to me after that… so I'm busy writing away. I've already got the ending written… it's just filling in those gaps. Enjoy and review if you do!**

"_Your dad was totally right the other day… you are radiantly beautiful… and I love our little girl so much and I hope that she is just as beautiful as her mother."_

"_I hope that she has your eyes."_

"_Nope… I want her to have your eyes… that was the first thing that I noticed about you, Kate… those beautiful eyes."_

_She remembers the day he sat across from her in the interrogation room and made the comment, to which she was utterly annoyed, of course._

"_We'll just have to see."_

"_I'm excited about the nursery too… you guys are having way too much fun."_

_Kate laughs at this, "yeah, every time I walk past that room, I see that someone has bought something new and placed it in there."_

"_Funny… why do you walk past it so often?" he asks, knowing the reason._

"_Okay… so I'm not walking past it… I'm walking to it… I can't help it."_

"_I know. Your face lights up when you walk into that room. It's like I can see it all coming together in your eyes… another reason, why I want her to have your eyes."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I could spend hours just watching your eyes, Kate… the way they told so much without you having to say it. The pain that was there when we first met, the amusement you would get in them when I made up a stupid theory or Espo and Ryan were sharing a Bromance moment. I loved it after you said you loved me for the first time… the way that your eyes would meet mine, and I could just hear you chanting those three words over and over again. Even seeing you cry… watching the tears pool in the corners and your eyes telling me about the torture in your heart at the time. The sparkle in them the day you first saw our little bump appear, after you couldn't button your pants and you chanced a look in the mirror…. God, Kate, I love your eyes."_

_All the moments, all the joy and the pain… he was there for so much._

"_I'll follow you… I'll be right here forever Kate… I hope you let me stay as long as you need me." He says as she quietly nods and smiles up at him._

"… _and if she doesn't have your eyes, she should have your smile… let's see… the way you would smirk when you made a –"_

"_Castle… I love you… save your poetry about my smile for another day."_

"_You're right… you've got to get up soon anyways."_

"_Dad's coming to paint…"_

"_He's excited…"_

"_How do you know? You talk to him too?" she asks with an amused grin._

"_No… just wait." He says with a smirk._

"Kate… Kate…" she hears, taking her out of her slumber.

"Alexis, what's wrong?"

"Your dad is here." She says with a grunt as her eyes are still halfway closed.

Kate looks over at the alarm clock and understands the reasoning behind Alexis' tired appearance. "It's 5:30 in the morning."

"Well, apparently he's an early riser and he wanted to get things started."

Kate runs a hand over her face, both amused and annoyed that her father had decided to show up so early in the morning. Castle was right, he was excited.

Patting the bed next to her, she lifts up the covers and gestures for Alexis to join her, "I'll get him started and then I'm coming back here and we are going to finish sleeping."

Alexis simply nods before letting herself fall into the spot, curling her arms around the pillow she was resting her head on.

When she sees her father, he instantly looks down, a small blush creeping onto his face.

"I'm early… I'm sorry… I didn't realize just how early until I got here and Alexis was barely coherent opening the door."

"That's okay, dad… I know you want to get it done today."

"Once you give me the instructions, you can just head back to bed."

She smiles then, "Oh, that was fully the plan, because baby and I are tired and I promised Alexis that I would be back in that bed right after I set you up… so she and I have a date with the pillows."

"Don't let me interrupt your date… just tell me what I'm doing."

Kate leads him up the stairs, stopping in the room.

"This is supposed to be a guest room. Martha and I were talking about moving the bed and most of the furniture down to storage, so for now, you can put it at the end of the hall. Once it hits Nine AM, there are two doormen, so they will take care of getting it down to the unit. The bookcase is staying in here, but we're putting it in the closet and anchoring it to the wall. Everything else, put in the hallway. We don't even know what half of the stuff in here is. Castle used to just throw random stuff in here all the time apparently."

"All right, once I move everything out of here, do you want me to start with the paint? Lavender stripes on the bottom, the tinted green white on the top and the chair rail in the middle?"

"That's the plan."

"All right… I'm all set… go back to sleep." He says, pushing her out the door.

"Are you sure dad? I could keep you company, you know."

"I know, but as you told me before, you and Alexis have a date with some pillows, and you do need your sleep Katie-bug. Let me get the little-bug's room ready for her. She's going to need somewhere to stay in some weeks you know. You're over halfway there."

His statement causes her to place a hand on her stomach, "yeah… almost there."

"You're going to be great… now… like I said… go back to sleep."

She leaves him to it, walking back down the stairs to curl up back in the bed with Alexis.

* * *

"How are you doing in here?" Martha asks from the hallway, still in her dressing robe a few hours after he arrived.

"Oh, Martha, I hope I didn't wake you." He says apologetically, not thinking about the fact that her room was upstairs right near the baby's room.

"You didn't. I got up and heard the sounds from the hallway and assumed you got here early." She says, and then squints her eyes toward him, "how early did you get here?"

He laughs a bit at this, "5:30… I thought that your beautiful granddaughter was going to kill me even though she answered the door with a smile when she realized who it was.

She nods, "Where are they now?"

"I sent Katie back to bed… she said that she and Alexis had a date with the pillows in bed."

"I'm so thankful for your daughter, Jim. She really has been a wonderful influence on Alexis, and if I'm being honest, I don't know what either of them would have done without each other through all of this mess."

"Rick had steadied her… I noticed it the first time she really talked to me about him… after she got over her annoyance at having someone follow her around all the time on the job. You raised a good man."

"And you raised an excellent woman."

They regard the room and each other in silence for a few minutes before Martha says that she's going to go start the coffee and he should come down in a few minutes to take a short break.

"It smells wonderful, thank you Martha." Jim says, coming down the stairs.

"Oh, well, thank you for helping with everything. I didn't realize how much Richard kept in the closets of that guest room."

Jim laughs a bit at that, "Yeah, well, you may want to look through some of it. I didn't want to go sorting through things, but some of it looked like some of Alexis' old awards and things like that."

"I'll go through it before I have the doormen come to take it down. For now, we should enjoy our coffee in peace before the two of them wake up." She says, inclining her head toward the bedroom.

Jim smiles, but it turns into a frown after a moment or so, "Martha… how is she, really?"

Her eyebrows raise a bit, "You know… my son would have been able to tell you exactly what she was feeling, exactly what was going through her head based on the quirk of her brow or the smirk of her lips… to the rest of us though, she is more guarded with that. I think she has been better because of Alexis… sometimes letting us know if she's having a hard day. She's going to see that doctor she saw after her shooting though, and I know that has to be a good thing for her again. For the most part though, I do think that she's doing okay. The baby is a good distraction."

"Also a reminder… that's why she left law… it reminded her too much of her mother. Even though she went into the academy, it was different…"

"You think that the baby is going to be a prob-"

"Oh, no! I just don't think that she has fully realized how much that baby is going to be an unbelievable bittersweet event. She is going to be an amazing mom, but she is going to see things and wish he was there. I still see Katie do things… like being made detective so young, or falling in love with your son, and I just wish Johanna was right here with me. The first thing I did after she told me I was going to be a grandfather was go to the cemetery to tell Jo all about it… she's still the person I want to share everything with."

"She'll take a long shower when she has a bad day… I called her out on it once and she admitted that she could just cry in there and not be interrupted. Alexis says that she is furiously reading his books all over again…"

"After her mom died, I was a drunk… I wasn't there for her like I should have been… she told me after she met your son that it was his novels that she would get lost in when she was drowning in memories or drowning in work at the time. I hope that she told him that…"

"So she's doing the same now…"

"Yeah… I guess so."

He looks off toward the door for a moment, "are they still sleeping, or do you think they would want some of this wonderful coffee?" he asks, overwhelmed with the need to see his daughter.

"You can check, but they usually don't come out of it on the weekend until after 10." Martha says with a small laugh.

He quietly walks into the office, taking a moment to look around the space that he hadn't spent any time in before. There were pictures of his Katie around the room, a few of she and him together and a few of her by herself. She was so happy in those photos, happy and in love with the man beside her.

Sighing, he walks to the bedroom door and doesn't bother knocking since he doesn't know if they are awake yet or not.

He's mesmerized then by the sight… his daughter in a light that he never saw her in. She has one arm slung around her middle, cradling the baby within her, as her other arm is reaching behind her to join Alexis' between them on the bed. It was the first time he really realized that his little Katie had grown up… she had grown up and into a new family that loved her and cared for her and needed her just as much as she needed them.

* * *

"Katherine, can I come in?" Martha asks from the doorway to the bedroom.

It had been a very long day for everyone with working on the baby's room, but it seemed like it was all coming together when they took their final break that evening for dinner and talked about the few things that needed to be touched up before the furniture could be delivered in the next few weeks or so. Her father had left about an hour ago, so Kate retired to the bedroom, hoping that Castle's words would lull her to sleep.

"Of course," she says, putting down the book she was reading for a moment to watch the woman enter the room carrying a small box. "What's in the box?"

"I…um… when your father was taking everything out of the closets, he had told me there were some boxes in the pile of things that I should go through before just putting into storage. This one is for you…" she says quietly, setting the box on the foot of the bed.

Kate looks at her with questions in her eyes, "What's in it?"

"My son was a romantic, you know this… and he was sentimental almost to a fault… however, I'm so glad that he was in this case. It's your story really… odds and ends that I don't know much about, but I thought you would want it to stay in the loft and not get put in storage."

"Oh…" she says, know staring at the box and not knowing what to do with it.

"I'll leave you to it then." She says, walking out.

"No! Martha, can… I don't think I'll be able to get through all of it tonight, but will you stay? "

"Of course, dear."

As Martha sat on the edge of the bed, Kate sat up closer to the box, lifting the lid off of it so carefully, as if she thought that it would affect the contents.

The first thing she sees are sheets of paper folded up on the top, and opening it, she reads the first line and puts a hand to her mouth to hold in the gasp, "To the extraordinary KB…" It was the dedication from Heat Wave.

"Ah, did he ever tell you that he always hand wrote his dedications when he sent them in? He said that he knew that they would just be typed and put into the book, but he never wanted it to be as impersonal as that because they meant more to him than that."

"He never told me that…"

"He must have requested them to be sent back from Black Pawn… you know it was always the last thing he wrote?"

She nods, remembering Gina telling her about it… making the mental note to ask her for the handwritten paper and not the typed version she had shown Kate for his last novel.

The next item she pulls out is the bulletin from the Storm Fall launch party, the night she came to him and took him down to the precinct for the first time.

"You were the first person to take my son down a peg, Katherine. I saw it even then…"

"He had such an ego on him back then, didn't he?"

"He did… but… it's funny… your father was telling me just this morning how much Richard had settled you, even in the beginning. You did the same for him though… you changed him for the better."

"He was already an amazing man…"

"I know… now… do you want to keep going, or do you want to call it a night?" she asks, placing her hand over Kate's in a comforting gesture.

"You know what, Martha, I think I'll be fine… I may look a bit more or I may just go to sleep. Either way, I think that I'm good."

"Don't hesitate to get me, Katherine… I'll be there in an instant."

"Thank you." She says, as Martha leans down to give her a kiss on her forehead before walking out the door and up to her own bedroom.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: I apologize for the lack of updating… I'm a teacher and with school starting, everything is becoming absolute chaos! I'm still working though, and I should have another update within the week. My goal is to get this finished by the first of September! Review if you would like!**

"_Do you hate me for being such a sap?"_

"_No, I love you for it… but really Castle… a dog collar?"_

"_Don't you remember our shared-custody companion? It's from him… and I distinctly remember that night… dropping him off at your apartment. It was one of those times where I touched you without thinking and then all this electricity just coursed through me all at once."_

"_Like the kiss…"_

"_What kiss?"_

"_The one that we never really did get a chance to talk about."_

"_Ah, the saving Espo and Ryan kiss… I remember it fondly."_

"_So do I…" she says, a small smile coming to her lips at the memory._

"_I thought that you might kill me after that kiss…"_

"_Nope… couldn't you tell that I just wanted to do it again?"_

"_You were wish Josh…"_

"_Yeah… that went on too long, didn't it?"_

"_God, Kate, looking back on everything… anyone who wasn't you was a relationship that lasted too long… minus the resulting Alexis…" he says with a smile._

_Kate thought about the statement, thinking back on past relationships she had and the men that she thought she had loved at the time… only realizing that she surely didn't love them then, not when she know what she had with him._

"_Castle… do you remember that first night… me coming to your door in from the rain…"_

"_Kate, I remember ever single second of that night…"_

"_I know that we've said it… but you need to know that night was it for me… that night solidified absolutely everything for me about you… you were hands down the love of my life. Even when things were rough or we were fighting, I would think back on that first night and remember that feeling… that overwhelming feeling that I was doing the most right thing that I could do in my life… it was making love for the first time and realizing that it was my forever."_

"_You thought all of that in that first night?" he says, a bit in awe at her admission._

_She just nods her head quietly…_

"_I should probably tell you that I had thought the same thing…only it was the first kiss that night… the first kiss where both of us had the permission to stay awhile and just be with each other… that was it for me. I knew then, that I was right… I was right in loving you and I was right in choosing to stand by your side and even though I had left you that day… I would have been back the next… I know I would have."_

"_Who do you think was watching out for us that day, Castle? There was such a bigger chance that I could have died that day instead of making it to your doorstep that evening."_

"_Kate, you said that you had always waited for the other shoe to drop… maybe that was God telling you that the other shoe might not have to drop again."_

"… _yet it still came crashing down." She says, thinking about the situation she was in now._

"_I'm sorry, Kate…"_

"_I know you are… I just wish you were here and not there… wherever the hell there is."_

"_I love you Kate."_

"_I love you too…"_

* * *

"Kate… your dad is here again to finish up." Alexis says, holding out a cup of decaf coffee for her, and looking around at the bed strewn with different items.

"What is all this?" she asks with curiosity.

"It's our story… Castle kept things throughout the years… I never knew about it until your grandmother was going through the boxes he kept in the guest room."

"That's cool."

Kate nods, "Cool… but hard all at the same time."

"Speaking of which… Paula contacted me about something, and I don't know how I feel about it, so I'm leaving the decisions up to you."

"Okay…" she says with hesitation in her voice.

"Apparently dad has sent Gina plenty of chapters of his last book, but she doesn't know if it is finished yet. I don't know what he's written, so I didn't know if you could look into that… and also, they were wondering if we would consider auctioning some of his things off and also donating a few things to Black Pawn for their offices."

Kate can't think for a moment, realizing for the first time that this was really happening… he wasn't coming back… there was no use for some of these things they had in the loft… it had her eyes swimming in an instant.

"Oh, Kate, I'm sorry… I know I thought that it was too soon… and I shouldn't have—"

"No, Alexis… this is not your fault! It might not be too soon… you know? Maybe we should consider it?"

"I thought that we could donate a few of his vintage typewriters and maybe something from his desk to Black Pawn for display…"

"I think that would be perfect." Kate says, nodding her head but not really committing to the idea.

"You know what… let's forget about all this and let's work on getting the final things done on the baby's room before we get the furniture delivered. In fact, I think that it would be fun to go to a few more stores, now that we know what more you need… and Gram and I were also noticing that you need more clothes." Alexis says with a smile.

"Alexis, I'm only going to be pregnant for a few more months… I don't need more clothes."

"Four to Five months… and well, I think that you need some Hamptons clothes, and I think you should splurge a little bit… I know that it is killing you that you don't have like fifteen pairs of yoga pants you can fit into… I saw you stare at your stash longingly the other day."

Kate narrows her eyes at the younger woman and then smiles back at her…"you're right… I could probably use a few things."

* * *

"So how is baby Castle doing in there?" Esposito asks as they come back from talking to another witness.

"Baby Castle is doing fine… how are we on these new guys?"

They had caught a case where the killer and the victim looked to be one in the same. Surveillance showed the victim being shot and then the killer walking away from the scene of the crime… but it appeared to be the same man, so they were at a loss. No twins, no relatives at all actually, no records of any adoptions or anything that led them to someone else.

"Guy one says that he really didn't see much, just remembering that there was someone there with a different look to him." Ryan says.

"Different look?" she asks.

"Yeah, that's what we said… I feel like we are just going in circles…" Ryan says, sitting himself on the edge of Kate's desk, looking down to see the same deflated look on her face.

"You know what we need?" Espo asks with a twinkle in his eye that Ryan catches.

"No… we don't…" Kate says, knowing exactly what Esposito had planned.

"Come on Beckett, we promised…" he starts, laughing a bit as he does… "maybe it's a case of doppelgangers finally meeting face to face and hating each other… or maybe it was an old Mob tie that finally went south…"

"Maybe it's aliens." Ryan says, almost spurting the words out.

Kate laughs then, smiling at the two of them… "Ryan… Espo's Castle impressions are way better than yours… but you know what… the doppelganger thing. The witness said that he had a different look to him… maybe it was because the guy was in a mask or had made himself up to look like the vic?"

"Why would someone do that?"

"Shock factor?" she asks, not really knowing why someone would go to the lengths. "Or, he did it so he wouldn't get caught."

"Yeah, but it doesn't make sense."

"None of this ever makes sense to me." Kate says, thinking back on the reasons people gave for killing. In her mind, none of the reasons were good enough for taking someone else's life.

"Detective Beckett, can I have a word?"

She turns towards the captain, not able to read the eyes that meet hers.

When she stands up to walk towards the captain's office, Espo is the first to ask, "What's that about?"

"I don't know… something's up though." She answers, leaving them to share a glance before watching her sit down in Gate's office.

"Sir?" she asks, watching as the woman sits down behind her desk and gestures for Kate to do the same.

"How are you feeling today detective?"

"I'm feeling fine." She says cautiously.

"Kate… I just got a call from downstairs, and I've been fielding phone calls for the last few hours about something that I think you need to be aware of… in fact, I'm going to ask you to take that vacation a little earlier than you had asked."

"How much earlier?"

"After we're done here, I want you to call Miss Castle and Ms. Rodgers and ask them to pack their bags. I've already talked to the people that you told me handled security for Mr. Castle, and they are already on their way to the Hampton's house to secure everything for you there."

"What's going on?" she says, starting to feel her heart speeding up.

"You aren't in any danger, okay… you need to know that first. However, somehow it got leaked to the press that Senator Bracken had something to do with Mr. Castle's death. We don't know how that happened, but it's causing a mess outside the precinct and your loft."

"I thought that the lawyers were keeping that to themselves in case they needed one more thing to hold against him."

"We all thought they were, but apparently someone talked because there are dozens of reporters waiting outside here and the loft to get a statement from you about all of your involvement in the case and also about the credibility of your investigation."

"The credibility? Internal Affairs was in on this, sir… I may not have done everything by the book, but they saw what was uncovered themselves at the same time it was being revealed to me."

"I know that, detective… but the credibility comes into question when not only was the case against Bracken involving your mother, but now you are trying to say that the man also ordered a hit on your fiancé."

"It looks like I had a personal issue with him." She says, realizing that people could twist the facts to go against her because of the situation.

"So, you leave now… Ryan and Esposito will be taking you home and if you would like, they can be the ones to escort you and your family to the Hamptons." She says, standing up and heading towards her door to call the boys in.

"That isn't necessary." Kate says, shaking her head.

"Well, I've been told by the mayor, who you know was a big fan of his, that you were to be taken care of and you were to leave everything else to the NYPD. Kate, I am fully behind you on this… you need to know that."

"What's up boss?" Ryan says, walking in first, seeing Kate looking a bit panicked in the chair.

"I need the two of you to take Beckett back to the loft and help her get things together… then you're going to take her to the Hamptons and you're going to meet with the security people I already spoke with to ensure that no press are anywhere near that house at any time."

"Sir?"

"Detective Beckett will explain on the way… please use the garage to get out of here and make sure that you use a back way into the loft."

"Got it… let's go." Espo says, taking Kate by the elbow and leading her by her desk to get her things before they could get out of there.

* * *

"Do they really think it is necessary for us to leave the city?"

"Have you been down to the lobby?" Kate asks, after she and her two partners discreetly took a look out the front entrance of the building.

"No."

"Martha, it's insane. And this isn't just Gates asking this… the mayor is saying that it would be best if we took off."

"Kate, I don't know about this… is it going to be safe for us to be out there?" Alexis says, speaking for the first time since Kate explained what was going on with the press.

"Gates talked to your dad's security guy and he is already out at the house checking on things and I'm requesting that they stay on with us while we are there."

"…but… there was…" Alexis starts and isn't able to finish before saying that she'll be ready in a minute and running up to her room.

"Let me go talk to her… Martha, if I'm not down here by the time you're done, can you start throwing some things together for me?" she says, still looking after Alexis' retreating form.

"What bag would you like me to use?"

"The suitcases are… wait… no… um… just get a duffle out of the hall closet and use that." She says, remembering that their suitcases were still packed for the honeymoon… not having the heart to take anything out of them yet.

She gives a quick nod before making it up the stairs as quickly as she can to find Alexis wiping tears from her cheeks while attempting to pack.

"Lex…" Kate says carefully.

"Don't worry about it…" she replies, still trying to stuff things in a bag while trying to keep the tears at bay.

Kate moves beside her then, placing her hands on both shoulders from behind, "Alexis…"

Alexis leans back then, allowing Kate to wrap her arms around her as much as she can with the baby blocking the way, "It didn't help him."

"What didn't help him?"

"The security… there was security the day of the wedding and it did nothing to save him."

"Alexis, no one knew what was going to happen before he even made it to the house…"

"And now?"

"Now… Ryan and Esposito are going to drive us to the Hamptons, and they are going to stay to talk to the security guys and I'm going to be in on that meeting. Lex, I wouldn't take us there if I didn't think that we were going to be safe, okay?"

She nods, still unsure, but realizing that she really didn't have a choice in the matter.

"Do you need help packing?" Kate asks, looking at the mess on the bed and noting how Alexis had just thrown things in.

"I can fix it."

"Nope, let me help…"

Kate starts taking things back out of the bag, folding them so they would fit in a better way and making sure that she had more than just the twenty t-shirts that she had thrown in. Alexis just watches her from her spot on the bed.

"Kate… what is this going to do to the case against Senator Bracken?"

"Hopefully nothing."

"Do you think that he was the one who somehow leaked the information?"

"I have no doubt that it was him."

"However, we have a witness in solitary that will squash anything with regards to the hit on your dad being from Bracken. As far as my mom's case and everything that went with that… the main piece of evidence was uncovered by me in the presence of IRB… I don't know how they can say that it was anything controlled by me."

"Weren't they framing you for murdering that—"

"Alexis… I don't want you to worry about any of this right now, okay? This is going to all sort itself out and we are going to be fine. For now, let's focus on the fact that I was just given permission to leave early for our vacation and we are going to get some awesome extra time doing absolutely nothing."

She lets a small smile come to her face before standing up and starting to work on packing for herself, "Kate, I've got this… why don't you work on getting your stuff packed."

"You good?" Kate says, putting another piece of clothing in the bag and starting to leave.

"I am."

"Hey, Alexis?"

"hmm?"

"Do you know… does your dad have all the Nikki Heat books in the Hamptons?" Kate asks, biting her bottom lip while doing so.

"Of course."

"Thanks."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: Here You Go! Review/Follow if you would like!**

"_Castle, what if he finds a way out of this? What if he somehow gets away with all of it and I have no way of stopping it? I have to look into other ways that this can be proven. There had to be more that we missed in my mom's stuff…"_

"_Kate, he's not going to get away with anything."_

"_That's why Gates sent us here, Rick… she knew how it looked. They are all going to think that this was something personal that I had against the guy. We've got to look into it again."_

"_No… they aren't, Kate."_

"_But what if—"_

"_No!" he finally yells at her._

"_Okay, this is new… you've pushed, but you've never yelled before."_

"_I just can't hear you talk like that anymore… I can't hear you say that he could get out of there…. And I can't hear you talk about this case again."_

"_Why?"_

"_Because… Kate, we know what he is capable of… he almost took you from me three different times… he took me from you… He'll take her…" his voice gets small at the end of the sentence, and she sees the tears in the corner of his eyes._

"_That's what you're worried about…"_

"_You don't know it yet Kate… I know that you love our little girl… I know that… but you don't know how unbelievably overwhelming that love is going to be the first time you hold her… I remember that with Alexis… I remember it as clear as day, and I'm so upset that I don't get to have that with her…" he says, touching her stomach again, "The fear of losing her is so much greater to me… and I don't want even the possibility of that happening to you, to us, to her… He has to go away and he has to stay away, but you have to be here now…you have to take that step back that I asked you for."_

"_Rick…"_

"_Promise me that you'll pass this on. The guys will do everything they can to make sure he stays in that cell, Kate… everything. You can't put yourself back in this case because of me… you told me once that you let yourself in and couldn't get out again… don't do that to our daughter."_

"_I'll talk to them… I promise."_

"Kate… the guys are getting ready to leave… I don't know if you wanted to see them before they go." Alexis says, shaking her awake with a gentle hand to her shoulder.

* * *

"Oh… I… I do… tell them I'll be down in a minute." She says, trying to not let the shakiness she was feeling come out in her voice.

She hadn't thought of it like that… she hadn't thought of the fact that if Bracken got out, that could mean another threat on her life. She also needed to make sure that they didn't know that she was pregnant, there had to be some way to make sure no one knew about the pregnancy. She hadn't been deposed yet, but she would make sure that Gates knew the stipulations with doing just that.

Slipping on a large robe over her pajamas, she got down the stairs in time to see Martha pouring out coffee for everyone.

"Darling, your pot is still on the small coffee maker."

"Thank you, Martha… and then… could you… um…" Kate starts, not necessarily wanting to voice her fears in front of the woman.

"I'll make myself scarce… go check on Alexis to see if she has some ideas for what we could do today."

"I appreciate it."

She watches Martha walk out of the kitchen towards the bedrooms in the house.

"What's up, Beckett?"

"They can't know that I'm pregnant."

"Beckett, that isn't something that you can hide." Ryan says, stating the obvious.

"I know that people know about it already, but I don't want the media to know and I want to try to keep it from Bracken and his lawyers… talk to Gates about it and see what you can do."

"Why?" Espo says, having not said anything the whole time, but observing her nervous eyes.

"I just don't want the prying eyes, Espo." She says, which doesn't convince him.

"I don't buy that… there's something else."

Looking into his eyes, she knows that he sees the fear there… "If this doesn't stick… if he gets out… the first thing he'll do is order the hit… it can't be on her."

"We aren't going to let that happen." Espo says confidently.

"Espo, you guys know that there has been so much out of our control with this whole thing. They've got power that we don't even know about… I know that you're going to do what you have to do, but just tell Gates that I want to keep the pregnancy hidden. I also… I need you guys on this. The two of you know what this case has done to me… to my life. I can't let myself go there again… not now. I trust you… please make sure that there is nothing to get him out of this."

"You got it." Ryan says, looking first to Kate and then nodding to Esposito in confirmation, "We'll let you know about anything that's coming up and we'll talk to Gates about what you just told us. If there is anything we need, we'll call you… other than that, try to relax with our goddaughter and avoid the news."

She nods and then does something that she rarely does, wrapping her arms around the shoulders of each of them, giving them a kiss on their cheek before telling them to drive safe.

"Kate, you call if you need anything."

"I will… and guys?" she says as they are headed toward the front door.

They turn, and she can't help but allow her eyes to soften on two people who have been there for her like brothers for the longest time, "I love both of you… you need to know that. You're my family and I love you."

"We love you too, chica…" Espo says, patting Ryan on the shoulder as they make their way out of the house.

She's standing in the kitchen, just thinking about everything that had gone down in the past 24 hours… leaving the loft and coming back here. It didn't even give her a chance to really think about the fact that she was back in this space again… the place where they were going to get married… the place that saw her happy and glowing in her wedding dress.

"Okay, are you ready for the plans?" Martha says, coming around the corner to find Kate standing alone in the kitchen.

Kate turns to her and Alexis, who's behind her, with a smile, "What's the plan?"

"Well… we were thinking about it and agree that for this first day, we are going to do nothing. We will sit around the house reading, playing board games, maybe a movie or two… just veg out. Then at some point today we need to get some food in here. We can do one of two things: go out and get the stuff ourselves, or have someone go do it for us. We have a housekeeper on call that can do that, and they are approved through security and everything."

"Okay…"

"Then we can make something yummy for dinner tonight and enjoy an evening of just the family… at some point, Gram and I are going to talk to the security guy and find out what we can and should be doing… like if sitting out at the beach is going to be okay or if we need to stay by the pool… going to that custard place I told you about… stuff like that."

"I'm sorry that it has to be like this, Alexis. When I had planned this trip originally it was supposed to be a relaxing get away before you had to go back to school… it wasn't supposed to be like this."

"Oh, darling… you can't keep blaming yourself for these things. That man… he's evil… and what you've done all these years… everything that you have done is something to be proud of. We will still get to relax and enjoy our time here, Katherine… that Senator be damned." Martha says, and Alexis nods in affirmation.

It's that… that little nod from Alexis that makes Kate sick to her stomach… "you know what, I think that the relaxing today was a good idea… I'm going to go back up to bed."

The two women looked after her and then turned to each other, surprised by the sudden departure.

"Let's give her a minute." Martha says.

"What did we say?" Alexis asks.

"I don't think we said anything in particular… I think it's just catching up with her… all of this."

* * *

When they came up, it was a few hours later, both of them with concerned faces since they hadn't seen her come back down in that time.

"I'm fine." She muttered, not really bothering to sit up when they came in the room.

"Katherine, you aren't fine… what did we say?"

She sits up then, looking at the two women before her, whose eyes are both wrought with concern for her… concern that she doesn't understand.

"How can you even stand to look at me… let alone be a family to me?" she finally says, causing Martha's eyebrows to raise high.

"What on earth do you mean by that?"

"It… God… it was when you were talking downstairs… talking about this evil man that did what he did to Castle."

"And I stand by that statement… he is evil."

"But you're forgetting this… he did this to Castle because of me. All of this… finding my mom's killer and finding the man responsible for everything became this obsession for me, and somehow he got into this with me and… don't the two of you realize that if he hadn't met me, he would still be here? He was killed because of who he was to me."

"I see." Martha responded, now realizing the woman's thoughts.

"Kate, I told you once that dad loved what he was doing with you guys. He thought that the work was important and he loved you… he wouldn't have been anywhere else."

"but he would still be here…"

"Okay, you know what… I know what you're doing, Katherine, and my son would be ashamed of you. You better take away those bricks you're putting up, because here is how I see it. If my son hadn't met you… his career probably would have ended, he would have never found real love, he would still have an ego that could barely fit the bounds of this city, and I could go on and on…. But the most important is that he wouldn't have been happy…. And you… from what my son told me… think of this… if the two of you didn't have each other, you would have never found your mother's killer, you'd be jumping into relationships that would go nowhere, and you would still be living behind a ten foot wall that didn't let anyone in."

"Kate, you… you challenged dad… he needed that in his life… and you loved him. It was so cool to actually see that in real life. You see the lovey dovey stuff in the movies, but rarely do you see it in life. The two of you could look at each other and I knew how in love with each other you were… it was something that gave me hope… still does… that I could find that kind of love in my life."

She still can't wrap her head around all that they are saying… can't fathom how two people could still love her after this. When she thinks of her own mother's death, she can't fathom even being cordial to anyone related to the incident.

"So… the way I see it, Katherine… you are stuck with us."

"I… I need some time today… can I do that? Can I shut you out and think through all of this for a day?"

"As long as when this day is over, you are coming back to us, Kate… please don't run from this. I told you once that I already lost one parent…"

"No… it's… I keep thinking about how much you could possibly hate me when my actual fear is how much I hate myself for what happened. All those things… everything I said to you, I could say right back to me because I let it all happen… I let him get close… I just…"

"You need time." Martha says, standing up and gesturing for Alexis to follow her.

"Kate, I love you…"

"I love you too, Lex." She tries to say in a steady voice, but it comes out breaking more than she thought it would.

* * *

"_You can't blame yourself, Kate… that's not how this is supposed to go."_

"_Castle, I'm right, you would still be here if you never met me."_

"_Maybe… we don't know that. I do know however, that my mother and Alexis were right about all the other things that would have happened… my career, your walls. Kate, we have been through so much together that has changed our lives for the better… made us really realize what life is all about. Hell, I hate the fact that you were dangling off a rooftop, but it made you come to me that first night so I love it in a way too."_

"_How am I supposed to live with myself?"_

"_You just have to, Kate… you need to realize that no matter what happened these past few months, you are loved and if we hadn't ended up together our lives wouldn't have been as full as they were."_

_She wipes the tears that fall down her cheek and onto her pillow, looking into his eyes and seeing that what he is saying, he truly believes._

"_I took you away from her though… she never gets to meet you because of me…"_

"_Kate… she wouldn't even be… our daughter wouldn't even be a thought on the radar if we hadn't met. You think about that…"_

"_I am… I'm thinking about how she's going to be that kid without a daddy for the daddy-daughter dance, or the one the teacher has to figure out what to do with when the class makes father's day gifts… that's what I'm thinking about."_

"_I'm thinking about how lucky she is to have such an amazingly strong woman as a mother, I'm thinking about how her uncles are going to spoil her rotten, and I'm thinking about Alexis getting to be the best big sister in the universe. Kate, if we spent our whole live focused on what's been taken away from us, we can't let in the things that are right in front of us."_

"_Four years… you were standing right there."_

"_You remember…"_

"_Castle, I remember every moment of that day with a vivid clarity that I can't let go of."_

"_It's the same as your mom's murder, Kate… it wasn't until you let go of that… pulled your focus back… that you were able to let me in."_

"_Did you really just bring me coffee to see me smile?"_

"_I knew that it was the one thing that I couldn't screw up in the day, so I figured that I better start things off nicely."_

"_I'm going to keep having moments like this, Castle."_

"_I know… and I'm pretty sure that's normal… you should talk to Burke though… and talk to Alexis and mother… they only want to help you… you need to see that. I know that you want today to just be… but let them back in Kate…"_


End file.
